My Aunt Used to Have One of Those...

Well I bet you're wondering how I'm posting from the underworld, because that is where I still am. I found one of those e-mail kiosks and hopped on. Of course I had to threaten an excitable ghost of a man down here to get his user information to log on but that is besides the point. Things are strange, to say the least. By now I've crossed the river Styx and have found no sign of the Spring season yet. But I had an interesting encounter before getting to this point and I think the information could be helpful if any of you decide to take a trip to the underworld (which I don't really recommend). Anyway, I started by following that bird. It flew so quickly I had difficulty keeping up with it. But that was on normal terrain, as we approached the entrance things became a big more rocky. And then, i found it, the entrance to the underworld. It was guarded by one of the most fearsome beasts I had ever seen. Now I know you mythology types would be thinking CERBERUS! That is what I encountered...kind of. As it turns out, sometime between the rise of the Roman empire and the end of British imperialistic age the entrance to hell was left unattended. For you see the Cerberus began to grow lonely. He wandered off searching for a thing called love. Evidently he found it...in a rotary telephone. Yeah....Well as it turns out the Cerberus returned to his post, only to realize he had no desire to do that anymore, so he made the lovechild of rotary phone and himself stand guard. That is where I come in. Standing before me is a looming three-headed rotary phone! What am I to do? His phone snap at me and I dodge to and fro. Thinking on my feet I jumped out of the way and rushed towards the beast. I lunged at his center, my finger extended, and quickly dialed the first 1-800 number that came to mind. I quickly hid behind the rock as the automated voice message kicked on. I waited....and waited. Then, I heard it. “If you are dialing from a rotary phone, please stay on the line...” This was my chance! Like Orpheus I fled past him, only to find myself confronted with the river of the dead. Charon's price was far too high so I decided to walk the bank, looking for an alternative option. As it turns out there is a Ski Doo rental place located on my side of the bank. I had to pay quite a bit, I guess gas is expensive in hell. Whatever it worked. It was a jet ski/ snowmobile model, perfect for covering long distances of terrain. I haven't found the Empress yet but hopefully in due time I shall...