Tuesday, December 26, 2006

Happy (falling into pits with unscrupulous looking elves) Christmas!


I hope you all had a lovely Christmas, mine consisted of seeing my family, giving gifts, and fleeing from space gnats, I'll have to write about it sometime. Here's another wallpaper for your desktop!

Tuesday, December 19, 2006

At least he was wearing clothes!

Yesterday evening was quite pleasant. I took a walk and just enjoyed my evening. However, that was quickly ruined by a stereotypically jolly fat man. Of course, this being so close to the season of Christmas I should have foreseen a seasonal-related adventure in my future. However I did not, at least not until Santa Claus himself rode up on a motorcycle! He stopped right in front of me and grinned. “Hello there Faux.” I looked him right in his icy blue eyes. “Santa?” He nodded. “Yes indeed.” I sighed. “What's with the bike, shouldn't you be really busy right now?” He stared at me and then motioned to his wheels. “Oh this thing? The elves built it for me, I just couldn't give it up.” I nodded in response and hesitantly continued this odd conversation. “Don't you have a whole other 51 weeks in the year to ride that?” His grin vanished. “What are you saying?” I didn't reply. “Are you saying I'm a slacker because I'm on this bike?” I held my lounge. “Well if that IS what you are saying than you would be RIGHT in assuming I'm a slacker and that I am ESCAPING my duties as Santa Claus FOREVER.” I nodded again. “Okay well whatever, it's not like I really believed in you anyway.” The fat man continued. “But you are making me understand my responsibilities, I'm beginning to grasp the MAGNITUDE of a Santa-less world. In fact, you are so convincing that I no longer even feel FIT to do my job. In fact, you are CONVINCING me that YOU would do a much better job.” “Santa what?” “Yes, you are CLEARLY the best person for the job Faux, I trust you know what to do, here's my huge sack full of STUFF for everybody, I know you won't fail the entire WORLD.” “WHAT!?! Santa, firstly what is with all the emphasis on so many words, you talk really lame-like. Secondly I never even said anything about taking your job, I was just saying that you probably shouldn't be taking breaks right now.” “No no, it is TOO LATE for me now Faux, with TEARS in my eyes I depart from you, FAREWELL new Santa...” Santa finished as he revved up his engine and drove away. I was suddenly left with all of the gifts and a really long list, standing in the middle of the road. “This is ridiculous.” I thought. “This Santa guy is a jerk...” I had no idea what to do, I couldn't even move the bag. But just at that moment a postman was driving by. At once I had an idea and quickly took care of this strange problem. I had to by about 3 billion padded envelopes but I finally managed to send all of the gifts via the postal service. Now I'm going to make a cup of Basil's tea, because seriously this whole episode has made me a little more likely to boycott Santa next year...

Tuesday, December 12, 2006

!!!

I looked to the door. “Who is it?” I asked. No one answered. “Basil, hold that thought.” I said as I moved to open the door. I began to turn the knob and suddenly Basil stood up. “Wait!!” But it was too late. I found, when I opened the door, a beautiful lady. “Why hello dears, I am the EXCLAMATION SIREN!” I looked at Basil expecting an explanation. “Well there was a beggar woman back near mount Rococo. I gave her a bit of the eternitea and suddenly she became the exclamation siren.” He shook his head. “She leveled an entire village with her mastery of the exclamation point.” “How?” Bella asked. “There are rules. You see, one denotes surprise and/or shock...nothing too bad. Two, creates an unquenchable urge to thrash drums, gnash spoons, and smash trailers. Three places one into a state of coma and four...four causes death...” I turned to look at this creature, suddenly she did not seem quite so beautiful. “How do you get around exclamation points, what's the loophole?” I asked. Basil scratched his head. “Well, it was an invisible number of sorts, you kind of have to just recognize the fact that between every exclamation point there is an invisible number that neutralizes it. When you can see that you will be safe.” The siren lifted her arms and behind her faint images of exclamation appeared. I began to feel the urge to kill something. But then, I began to see, superimposed over every point...the number 5. “Siren!” I shouted. “You have no power over exclamation here!!” She flinched. “I know the secret of the invisible 5!” She twitched and suddenly screamed as she turned and bolted out the front door and into the street. I have no idea where she went from there, but spread the news of the invisible 5, she may be coming for you....

Tuesday, December 05, 2006

I doubt it...

Basil looked at Bella as he began telling his tale. “You see, while on my travels I heard of seven varieties of legendary tea. They were the first kinds, hidden long ago for they carried with them, great power. The kind you hold in your hands is a variety said to extend the life of anyone who drinks a cup. There is a story of an African king who found this tea and hid it. He ruled for a thousand years.” “What happened to him?” Bella asked. “Well, he ruled for so long that he forgot what it was like to have the notion of death over your head. He became distant from the people and began ruling badly. Eventually they found the source of tea and drowned him. However, the people deemed the tea to be a thing of the gods and placed it a high mountain.” “How did you get it then?” I questioned him. He looked at me and smiled. “I went to that village.” With a wave of his hand he explained that during the French invasion in Africa there was a mountain which they named the Rococo mountain. “Rococo? Like the French style of painting?” I asked skeptically. “Indeed, it was the favorite style of art, named by the French commander who took control of the land.” He shook his head. “Anyway, to the French this mountain was legendary for some reason, there was a great treasure, rumored to be at its peak. This peak, was quite impossible to reach. Some people told me it was guarded by a French pirate who wished to continue his life and refused to yield this ultimate booty. I went to that village and spoke to the mayor. He led me far out into the bush and left me, saying that I would find the people I seek. I sat there all day, and all night, never moving, even through the heat and the cold. And then, just before daybreak a crowd of shadows gathered around me. They asked me what I desired. I told them what I sought and they conversed for a while. Eventually they told me to shed my clothes and follow them.” “Wait.” I looked at Bella. “You were traipsing through a jungle naked with a tribe of people you didn't know? This sounds ridiculous, why were you naked?” basil smiled again. “They didn't tell me at first but I figured out that in order to reach the treasure one must shed all that makes them prideful. Only with humility can one find the treasure they seek. You know, like the holy grail.” “Yes but did Sir Galahad have to shed his clothes for the grail?” Basil shrugged. “I assure you cousin, my story is true.” He went on to explain a long and arduous trek through the dense jungle. And then finally a treacherous climb to the top of the mountain, eventually it was just him, the members of this tribe did not even follow him to the top. There, at the pinnacle was a sculpted relief of the millennial king's face. On top of that was the tea, sat in an enchanted satchel. “I reached it and drew two leaves from it's pouch to examine them. They glowed with energy.” He finished. I shook my head skeptically, since our youth Basil always exaggerated...and then there was a knock at the door.

 
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