O'er heather through aether

Basil grinned devilishly as he bolted out of the tavern. Kitty and I followed closely behind. He ran to a shed out behind the tavern. “A friend of mine was able to negotiate this space for working. I’m not sure how the deal went down.” Basil paused as he screwed his face up, trying to remember. “I think it featured the auctioning of a termite farm and three souls on Ebay.” “I would hope souls would get you a better shed than THAT.” Kitty muttered. Basil grinned. “The termite farm got the shed, the souls got what is inside!” He applied slight pressure to the door and it swung open upon creaky hinges. He threw on some brass goggles and long gloves. From a dirty old wooden chest in the back corner he drew an ordinary looking jar. Inside there was a small glowing object suspended in the center. “What is that thing?” I asked. “A small luminiferous aether!” My jaw dropped. “What does it do?” Kitty asked skeptically. “This aether generates light, and works almost like a small controlled black hole of sorts.” Basil’s grin spread even further across his face as he did an aerial kick.

“My plan is to enter the tomb of Samovar and release the aether. Even the fearsome spirit of Samovar could not stand against this force. It shall consume him and we can use him as we wish.” A dark expression flashed across my half-cousin’s features. “And then I can claim his legendary tea, drink it, and with the wisdom it provides, outwit any of the gypsy traps.”

So we arrived in Samovar, safe and sound. If there wasn’t only one I’d highly recommend map travel, although the jet lag is something fierce. And so Samovar is where our story picks up. There’s not much there, in the background a large black object loomed, the towering tomb of Samovar. The people are friendly in Samovar, at least I bet they would be if we spoke the same language, right now their more indifferent than anything else, although there was an old woman who began barking at me… Anyway we found Basil huddled in a back corner of a tavern, in his hands he held a shot of vodka. We immediately asked what happened. He looked at us vaguely at first, and then, once he recognized me his features lit up. “Faux! You’ll never believe it. It’s horrid!” “What Basil, where’s Bella?” Basil looked up sadly. “She’s gone, they took her.” “Who?” I asked in a rather cliché manner. “The gypsies.” He paused. “I obtained invitations to the Count de Orlock’s grand ball. So Bella and I had prepared ourselves and were on our way. We passed a silent crowd on the way over, a strange sight but I though nothing of it. Nothing, that is, until I noticed they were following us. Bella and I ran, but the crowd separated and from it rose a giant Gypsy! ‘The girl is who we want!’ from behind him leaped a girl with a rope, I moved to fight them off but there were far too many.” I looked at Basil as he stopped again. “Basil, what are we going to do?” Basil hung his head low and his shoulders heaved as he sobbed silently. Then suddenly, as if transfigured, he raised his head, a crazed look captured in his eyes. “I have a plan…”

The Return to Olde School... (at least for a time)

I figured that consulting Boswell was the best way to figure anything out, since he was supposed to have stayed at home. Only he wasn't home, neither was the head of the Witch of Cornwall. The Knifingtons were our only clue, and they could get a little excited. I knew Basil had left for Samovar, that was to be our first stop. Rodney decided to stay at home, we figured someone needed to be there, especially if the Knifingtons had anything to say... Besides that it's harder to hurt a Rotting Corpse Boy with a knife anyway. If they told him anything pertinent he'd call us. At least that's the plan as of now...of course, what do we do for travel? I should mention Kathryn's hanging around, she's insists that I call her Kitty, whatever floats her boat, I just want to find Bella. It made me uneasy letting her go but I did, now this. We headed next door to the neighbor's, I figured that a man with such brains might have a keen way to travel. He hesitated when I told him of our plan and of the urgency. He led us to his attic, and from the attic he went to a trunk, which he opened, inside was a piece of curled parchment. “When Magellan sailed his crew sailed faithfully under him. Though he perished they pressed onward. It was Juan Elcano who first circumnavigated this globe. Upon doing that this map was created. I have heard of several such odd events, when they happen an object of great power appears, these objects have been used to further their goals. Elcano used this to his advantage, traveling instantly and escaping many close calls. While the Cartographers of the world charted the globe he could cover it all in a single day. This is that map, by merely pointing at a spot you can go there in an instant. I give it to you because the consequences of delays sound dire. May it serve you well.” Kathryn and I looked at one another and then I laid my finger on the map. She was holding it flat and grasped the corner. As she as pulled off with it she wrapped her arm around me and we were carried to the land of Samovar...

A New Tale Begins!

Beware of Bull Booby Traps!

I <3 this, but I can't do it every week...

Like Lando Calrissian...

Fortunately for me, the Rat King had heard about the incident at Castcom back in July. That is how he came to know that the Rotting Corpse Boy had come to reside with me. So, as he and his rat servants hauled my frozen stone self back to his underground palace some other loyal servants were dispatched to locate Rodney. Go figure he wasn't home. And so they waited, as did I...clearly, I'm stone and can't really do much of anything. In fact, just be happy there's a post this week, it's really kind of hard to blog when your stone, try it sometime you'll agree, I promise. But anyway, eventually he returned and at once the rats began to squeak at him. Rodney totally didn't understand rat though so this caused problems. Eventually some rats had to go and fetch the Rat King himself. “Your friend Faux has been turned to stone and we are hoping that you know how to change him back.” Rodney pondered this for a while. “My ancient brain has to dig deep. But yes, I seem to recall a legend of my people that was lost over time...” The Rat King looked at him impatiently. “And??” “There is a mountain in the air. And, um there's a special fountain that reverses the stone curse. My Grandfather had to fight an army of gorgon half-breeds once. It was then that we went to this fountain. I was very young when we were there but I believe that I could find my way there again.” “That's it?” The Rat King smiled. “Simply reach this fountain? Not even a beast to protect it?” the Rotting Corpse Boy shook his head. “No there was a creature at one time,whether or not it still lives is another matter. That's not the biggest trial though.” The Rat King shook his head. “What could be a more severe trial than a mythical beast?” Rodney looked at him stone-faced. “The mountain is upside-down. One has to turn the entire thing around to even access the fountain.” The Rat King's smile vanished from his features. “Do you recall how to do this?” Rodney shook his head. “Well then.” The Rat King began. “Talking here does little good. Let us at least find our way to the mountain, from there, perhaps we can choose our next step?” “But how?” Rodney asked. “It is in the air!” The Rat king smiled again. “Step into your backyard.” Rodney obediently opened the back door only to be astounded at once by a very large zeppelin parked in the backyard. 'I won it from Francis, the Pirate King of Penguins in a game of black jack. “Well...”Rodney stopped waiting for his surprise to fade enough to speak. “That would explain the large letter F emblazoned on the side...” The Rat King leaned closer to the Rotting Corpse Boy. “Ready to go then?” Rodney nodded. “But where is Faux?” “Already on board.” the Rat King smiled. “I knew you'd have an idea of where to go so I had my ship prepared!” Rodney just nodded. This would be a trip like none other indeed...

Drawing or viewing cartoon images of Gorgons don't cause one to turn to stone (thank goodness!)

The mouse reached its destination in time, but things still took a turn for the worse. I was being hauled in the arms of the sinister Astro-Astronomer. But still I waited for the right moment. Perhaps if I could have caused myself to vomit in a drain, that may have worked? I would have probably met a similar fate now that I reflect upon it. For certainly now I have time to reflect. As we walked on I waited patiently until the astronaut decided to shift arms. At that moment I elbowed him in the head and bolted off. The crowd of astronauts pursued me but I managed to keep ahead of them. However, I should have remembered Tim. When I punched the hole in his helmet I felt a chilling sensation move throughout my body, almost as if I were beginning to freeze. His laughter echoed down the street as I ran. I heard a small explosion as two astronauts were jet-propelled forward. They arrested me once again and I struggled. Tim made his way through the crowd and looked at me. “It is perhaps time you learned my secret...” He smiled and chuckled. A small mouse was lurking around my foot but I did not look at it. “Yes indeed. We can restore you when we haul you to base, certainly you will be heavier but more manageable.” I scowled. “What do you mean?” “In Greek mythology there is a story of gorgons. I am the son of one such creature.” I grew very nervous when he said this. He reached for his helmet and undid the latch. “Only a direct gaze can paralyze someone. The Greeks understood how this worked at first but as time went on we gorgons had created such a myth around ourselves that many deemed the paralysis to be irreversible. But then again, stone is quite had to reverse!” He grinned as he coyly played with his helmet. “Now you shall see that struggling serves no purpose!” He hissed as he cast his helmet away. The astronauts holding me loosened their grip, but it was because they turned to stone. I moved to avert the gaze but that could not stop it. As my vision grew cold I heard the squeaking of many rats. Among them towered the Rat King. He had come to repay a debt and settle a score. The Rats began to viciously attack the astronauts. Tim scowled and stared the Rat King in the face. “I wish I could turn you to stone.” Tim hissed. “But you know you have no such control over we the rats!” The King retorted. “And your hand can not slay me either.” Tim chortled. “We can not kill you but we can overrun your army.” Tim's eyes grew wide. “The plague!!” “Yes, your men now all have the disease we carry so well.” Tim shook his head. “I wish you had not gotten involved, this only stirs our long spat, astronauts against the rats. And like any cliché feud, this is not over!” Tim bellowed as he and his men bolted away from the terrible spot at the corner of Birch and Chestnut. The Rat King approached me and observed. “It is hopeless to restore the stones...” “Nay sir!” A small voice squeaked. “They mentioned a way to restore one. Perhaps we can find someone who may know?” The Rat King nodded. “Someone from the age of the Greeks...” Then the King sighed. “I wish events in the life of Faux Leroy played out quicker than once every week...” I, being stuck in stone agreed with him.

Brain Freeze

The astronauts pursued me as I leaped through bushes and tried to evade them. But as I ran more seemed to show up. If this ice cream really was to be part of the cult's supreme rite, I suppose all members were required to try and obtain it. I thought quickly, if I ate the ice cream they'd stop chasing me. Of course, they also might kill me. But they might do that regardless now that I ran and I wanted ice cream if I was to die so soon. At once I flipped the lid off and shoveled it into my mouth, using a spoon I carried with me, just in case. Perhaps this ice cream really turned out to be my saving grace. The astronauts stopped. Had I defeated them? But then I saw Tim approaching. “He has it inside of him. It is still good.” I was shocked at this response. “So long as we can get him before he discharges it our Emperor is safe.” “What are we to do to get it out?” One of the cult members nearby me asked. “We must cut out his stomach.” Tim announced. The astronauts moved in to grab me but I quickly jumped out of the way and dodged their large arms. I punch Tim right in the bubble helmet, shattering the glass. I really don't know how they'd go to outer space in those suits if I could break the glass. A sinister eye watched me from inside the helmet. “Take him to the temple!” This time I was caught and though I fought I could not escape the tight grasp of the cult members. I hadn't died at this point but what was I to do? In the hustle an bustle the cult members failed to see a small, ordinary looking mouse on the ground. My eyes widened at the prospect and I quietly whispered “mouseknit!” to it. The small creature scampered away and I closed my eyes hoping that I might be saved. If only that mouse could run fast enough...

Not as good as Gelato, but hey, still good...

Bella has been gone for a week now and life goes on. Anyone that reads this journal regularly should not find it surprising that I have once again been drawn into yet another odd series of circumstances. This time the circumstances seem a bit dire because they involve the end of the world (supposedly). Anyway, things are going as they do. That is how this all started. We were running low on groceries so I decided to head out and get more. I picked up a carton of chocolate and vanilla ice cream because I know Rodney and Boswell like it. Anyway I was in the parking lot when I head a rhythmic clanging noise. Then, in the distance I spied a large astronaut carrying a staff. Around his neck was a decorative cloth. “Behold dear child!” He announced through his muffled breathing unit. “You have brought us the sacred item of the apocalypse!” I looked him straight in the face...well more like straight in the opaquely-colored bubble helmet but I assumed that's where his face was, but you never know with my life right? Anyway here we sat, bubble to face. “What are you talking about?” He straightened up. “I am Timothy, high priest and leader of the great cult of Ala-Astro-Astronomers...or triple AAA. We have foreseen the end of the world and now I have come to claim the crucial piece that shall make it all happen.” I looked at him, unamused. “What?” He pointed to the bag with the ice cream. “That ice cream you have, it is the very ice cream that will rule as the Supreme Emperor. We must take it so that it may be committed to the moon in a pageant of holy matrimony.” This was getting strange, even for me. “You're going to marry my ice cream...to the moon.” He nodded. “That is correct. Now if you would kindly hand it over...” I pulled the ice cream from the bag and clutched it tightly. “Forget it.” he shrugged. “Very well.” He dropped his staff and clapped both of his hands. At once a mob of astronauts got out of cars and began to advance towards me. I clutched the ice cream tighter. I wanted a tasty treat and paid good money for this, no way would it be committed to the moon, it might end up melting. “We need it....” “give it to us...” Like zombies they advanced. I quickly turned and ran, breaking past two of the astronauts and bolting out of the parking lot...

Departure

Earlier this today Basil came bolting into the kitchen as I was standing around preparing my breakfast. “Cousin! I think I'm going to be off again!” I was quite startled. “So soon? It's only been a month!” He smiled and nodded. “Yes yes, you see I was just contacted by a friend of mine, he's found it.” “It what?” I asked. “It, as in the samovar of Czar Samovar of Russia!” I looked at him confused. “Such fortune can only be providence!” Basil remarked as he looked skyward. “You see, I came across that legendary tea of life in Africa. Now I believe I've found another.” He immediately began a rambling description. “The tea of Samovar is said to be tea of great wisdom, even more so than your normal tea would give you. His tomb was a well hidden place, but despite that rumors spoke of his samovar, which was given to him by Mongolians. It was he that popularized the heating implement in Russia, hence it's name. Anyway this tea of wisdom was stored in his samovar, which I've just found out, was buried with him. I'm meeting my friend in St. Petersburg and from there we will be embarking on a journey to the tomb. Now I can see you're wondering why the tea of wisdom is not located somewhere in the middle east around Jerusalem or in Greece, where the wisest men in the world were purported to live. According to my studies in tea lore, the ancient bush, from which this tea was obtained was in Jerusalem. It may have been the burning bush that spoke to Moses in the Old Testament, I have come across some speculation that the bush was planted outside of the temple before it's destruction. However I can not go to this bush because it was either destroyed or stolen during the crusades. My guess would be that it was destroyed, possibly even earlier because there would be other legendarily wise individuals recorded. However, there are some colleagues of mine who think that the bush was stolen and that it is kept hidden by the Illuminati...” “You're leaving then?” Bella suddenly interrupted. We both turned to look at her. “To Russia?” She asked. “Yes, it is time for me to be off again, in the search of tea!” She nodded quietly and left the room. Basil's constant smiled faded for a moment before he relapsed into the details of the tea's origin, including a force of Russian crusaders who obtained a portion of the bush without knowing what it was. Bella returned with resolve in her face. “Basil.” She started. “Would you mind if I would accompany you?” I inhaled sharply, something about this request hit me hard. Basil turned and smiled at her. “It will be dangerous most likely.” She nodded. “All the better, it'd be dull otherwise.” His smiled got even larger and he nodded. “Indeed, cheers!” She shouted as he lifted his cup of tea and downed the rest. “Our flight leaves at 3 O' Clock today!” He announced as he scampered off to his room to pack. Bella looked at me. “I'm sorry, it wouldn't be right otherwise.” I nodded silently. She approached me and gave me a farewell hug. “We'll be back before you know it.” It was the we that cut straight to my core...

Meat baby new year!

Well Happy New Year to everyone! I hope you're end of the celebration all went well. I, for one had a marvelous, uneventful time. As we toasted to the New Year, a year filled with potential I began to imagine a year absent of the constant random and often dire circumstances that seemed to find their way to my door. Could this new year be a year of quiet reflection by fires with books? Could it be a time of quiet cups of tea. I suppose, having a half cousin like Basil automatically excludes a quiet cup of tea. At any rate I finished the year quite happy. And so I entered into 2007, just as everyone else upon this round world of ours. Why did I not suspect, that as I celebrated a rather unscrupulous individual was making their way to my house. We returned home and slept soundly. The plans for my New Years were to have a nice meal. Often pork and sauerkraut is what we eat, I had the ingredients in the fridge. As I was bustling about getting things prepared someone knocked at my front door. I peered around the corner. The Rotting Corpse Boy, whom we've just been calling Rodney as of late, answered the door. There stood a creature I had never seen before. He hastily pushed his way in past Rodney. “I...erm...need to find the New Year's Baby...I am an official person, and it is important.” I looked at him, from his strange legs to the umbrella he kept open, even indoors. “Right.” I replied as I returned to my work. The Rotting Corpse Boy walked over to me and whispered. “He's a creature from the depths of the earth, I heard about them when I was buried for so long.” The creature, who must have had impeccable ears looked at us. “I am not from deep in the earth, I am instead from your place of leadership, looking for the New Year's Baby!” “Why would we even have such a thing?” Rodney asked. “It is here, I know it.” The creature insisted. “Deep in the ear...I mean in the official building of your elected officials, I encountered a man by the name of G. George Fatts III. He told me of this place, where the baby was.” The Rotting Corpse Boy scratched his head. I pulled him aside. “This guy's not going to leave, G. George has a bit of a grudge against me, and wherever he met this fellow he told him a magnificent lie, just to give us a hard time, we've got to think of something.” Rodney nodded. He went to the counter and quickly grabbed a lump of meat that had been sitting there to thaw. I, meanwhile engaged this creature, he of course, gave very pathetic answers and told me a very pathetic cover story. “So are you an aide to the Emperor or something?” I asked. “Yeah, that's...um that's it.” He tried to smile. Clearly, we had no Emperor, this guy was really lying. Just then the Rotting Corpse Boy returned, holding the lump of meat, however it was made up like a baby. “This is it, our New Year's Baby.” He frowned as he handed it to the creature. Immediately after receiving it the monster chortled. “FOOLS! Now we, the people from deep in the earth have taken your infant of opportunity, this New Year! Now we shall be the ones who can revel in glory at the prospect of new potential!” He let out a raspy laugh as he rushed out the front door, in his haste forgetting to bring his umbrella. As he exited the sunlight hit his eyes. He shook his head and began to stagger around. We both watched as he wandered back to us. “the sun is really bright, can I get my umbrella?” We gave it to him and off he ran, laughing darkly as he went. I looked at Rodney and shrugged, this year was bound to hold something worth experiencing indeed...

Happy (falling into pits with unscrupulous looking elves) Christmas!

I hope you all had a lovely Christmas, mine consisted of seeing my family, giving gifts, and fleeing from space gnats, I'll have to write about it sometime. Here's another wallpaper for your desktop!