The way true adventures of Faux Leroy!

2008-04-22T10:00:00.000-04:00

Faux LeRoy Now with Noses!?!

2008-03-25T21:40:00.002-04:00

I decided to give this a try, with noses. I was sketching and for fun tried some characters in the comic with noses and liked the results. Go figure!

2008-03-11T21:14:00.001-04:00

2008-03-04T14:10:00.003-05:00

Hey everyone, check out what's new over at my other blog. I have another project which requires my time as it has an approaching deadline. So I didn't have time for a comic. Next week (unless I'm finishing the project!)

Zing!

2008-02-26T09:22:00.003-05:00

So I'm posting the last comics in this story arc so I can give it some closure. Also, in one last burst of experimentation (since this comic has been around that from the start) I am posting the last comics in black and white. What do you think?

2008-02-19T10:14:00.001-05:00

Hey everyone, new post is up over at my other blog. I've been giving it some thought. I think I want to finish out the cycle I started with Faux LeRoy at least, so keep checking back as I may post the conclusion whenever I get it written and drawn.

2008-02-12T10:27:00.001-05:00

Hey everyone,
This week there will be a new comic up on Fauxplay again. I'm working on it, but it may take a little while. Check back towards the end of the week. Also I'm cooking up ideas for a new site, check back for more details...

~Faux

2008-02-05T14:22:00.000-05:00

Hey everyone! Once again, this week there's something new up over at my other blog . I'm still working on some ideas for a new website, one that can house my comic for real and not just as a blog. When you think of Lion and Tiger, what do you think of?

if : Tales & Legends

2008-01-28T08:51:00.000-05:00

Okay so this is what I had for this week's illustration friday post. It's part of work I'm doing for some website design for mathusee. It's a side website project and well worth checking out when it's up. I'll post a link then!

2008-01-22T16:05:00.000-05:00

Hello everyone!

I'm mixing it up yet again. I think I've pretty much determined that Faux LeRoy simply does not work as he is right now. check out my other blog : fauxplay and see what I've got cooking now. I think it's time to institute changes of the highest order. It's time to mix it up and break it down! So everybody hang tight, check back every Tuesday. I may not have much more for Faux. I had planned on finishing the Ragnarok story but to capture th entire tale would be a massive endeavor. Still I'd like to pen it one day. I just don't think I have the knack for a constant story arc comic. So if anyone out there is better at pacing a story get in touch, I'm always up for a collaborative project. Anyway, check back, there may be some new links to check out.

~Faux LeRoy

2008-01-16T14:08:00.000-05:00

Sorry it's a bit late!

Extra Sized! Plus Yes!

2008-01-08T12:56:00.000-05:00

Here's the new post! Since I didn't get one up for New Year's Day I made this one extra large. We're dealing with some big things now...Though I had tho think, is this story installment working? Originally each week was to be self-contained but once I shifted to comic mode that all changed. Hop on over to my other blog so see my new idea. A more classic way to do comics. I'm playing with the idea to put this one on hiatus and focus on something more like that. This blog isn't stopping yet, updates will still be regular on Tuesdays, so keep checking back. But, for a while I think I'm going to try to get something additional up on the other site as well. Check them both and let's see where this goes!
~Faux

Hapy New Year!

2008-01-01T13:23:00.000-05:00

Hello everyone! I've been doing this for almost a year and a half! Wow, it's been quite an exciting ride thus far. Thanks to everyone who reads this! It's been so much fun and I look forward to another year! I've got a lot of ideas for this next year, some possible big announcements. So let's get this year started off right. I have a website. You should check it out. www.snaderillustrator.com; check out the "downloads" link. On top of archiving some past wallpapers, I also put up something brand new for your enjoyment and it's all 100% free! A brand new cell phone wallpaper! Thanks everyone, it's been a great year, here's to another one!
Ciao
~Faux

2007-12-22T20:38:00.000-05:00

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Here you are everyone, a little late but still in time for Christmas! This is what we did this year, for fun. We hopped on this sled built as a cooperative effort between Basil and Mr. Elcano next door. The result was the Belleraphonix. So Basil and I took the Belleraphonix way up North and spied a pair of pants drying by a rosy fire. We took them for fun but don't you know it, as soon as we take off a giant man in red begins to pursue us! We'll most likely only get coal this year but the trousers are worth it. Besides, the Belleraphonix runs off of coal anyway....

2007-12-18T11:46:00.000-05:00

Sorry everyone, I'm not feeling well today. Keep your eyes open though, the Christmas wallpaper is on the way!

2007-12-11T22:05:00.000-05:00

2007-12-04T13:53:00.000-05:00

2007-11-27T10:16:00.000-05:00

2007-11-20T11:17:00.000-05:00

Here's a new background. Maybe I got a little carried away with this one. I was going to just do another cast shot at the table, since my pool of characters has grown and it'd be fun to see a comparison to last years, but then fancy struck me an Ta Da! Happy turkey day everyone!

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2007-11-13T11:42:00.000-05:00

2007-11-07T20:37:00.000-05:00

2007-10-30T15:48:00.001-04:00

ooooohhhh spooky days! Faux's rocking out in a Sgt. Pepper costume this year. Hope you dig this background for your computer! In other news it's a warm autumn day, Verizon is an incompetent company, AND things just seem especially mellow, ordinary and pleasant. I love days off, especially when they start off right.

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2007-10-27T21:51:00.000-04:00

2007-10-16T11:42:00.000-04:00

This was a little unintentional, I was working off of the sketch but then it kind of became part of the finished comic this week. What do you think? Perhaps I've been playing Viewtiful Joe a little too much. But I do simply adore the style...

2007-10-10T10:10:00.000-04:00

Post on the way!!

2007-10-02T10:23:00.000-04:00

Here is the post, here is some news. I'm getting a Wacom tablet soon, so when it gets here I'll work on the next strip, unless it doesn't get here until after Tuesday, but it should. So look for an update sometime next week. I have work at the show going on at cafe Beracah in Lebanon so check it out. That's been the main bit of work this past week. Sorry for the slow update everyone! ~Faux

Hey everybody, this week's post is on the way, I'll aim to have it up tomorrow. I've got a lot of projects on my plate right now, so for today I'm illustrating my brains out, tomorrow I may have some time. Until then you should all subscribe to the podington bear podcast, or check out his website. I have been listening to his music all year. It is really good stuff and for me perfect work music. So check it out and swing by tomorrow.

~Faux

PS You can always see what's going on over at my fauxplay blog as well! Hopefully some of the stuff I'm working on today will make it up there soon as well.

2007-09-25T09:53:00.000-04:00

2007-09-17T09:04:00.000-04:00

2007-09-10T09:31:00.000-04:00

Hey look it's up early this week! By a considerable bit. Hooray...um pancakes for everyone?!?

2007-09-03T11:05:00.001-04:00

Happy Labor Day! Here's a present for your computer this week.

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2007-08-28T15:59:00.000-04:00

2007-08-21T15:59:00.000-04:00

2007-08-14T11:43:00.000-04:00

2007-08-07T12:20:00.000-04:00

2007-07-31T15:10:00.000-04:00

2007-07-24T16:23:00.000-04:00

2007-07-10T17:14:00.000-04:00

After a 3 Week Hiatus...

2007-07-03T13:43:00.000-04:00

Normal version...up top. If anyone can tell me why this happens I'd appreciate it!

A Return and a Break

2007-06-05T17:24:00.001-04:00

Memorial to a Crazy Last Year

2007-05-29T16:20:00.001-04:00

Once again absurdity ensued. This is a picture of my Memorial Day barbecue last year. Yeah, I'm sort of happy to be traipsing after gypsies this year. The smaller one is for a 1024x768 desktop and the larger is for 1200x800!

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Post number 50!

2007-05-22T01:25:00.000-04:00

With that Basil vanished. I just sunk to the ground, and even though Kitty placed her arm around me I felt no comfort. Certainly Basil could be a bit ridiculous sometimes, maybe a lot of the time, but this seemed far too drastic. HAD things become so dire? “Indeed they are dire.” A voice called out, reading my thoughts and channeling them into a response. I stood up and turned my head. Before I found the voice I saw a long shadow stretching out behind me. It was an old woman. “Things are so dire, but only because Basil chose them to be so.” Kitty watched the old woman cautiously. “Who are you?” The hag smiled and sighed. “Ah, I am a woman with a past, a witch that has been cursed...” She paused and with a heavy heart continued. “There were three of us, foolish young women who were lured into a trap. For you see, the one who is behind all of this has caused much trouble for a very very long time. He has led the gypsies to steal your friend, and he has led Basil to consume the dark brew. And he has left me to rot in this tomb.” “But why do you remain here? Why do you not seek the daylight?” I asked quietly. She smiled. “I have been waiting for you, that is why. The curse of this monstrous body was placed upon me by him, and all I have left is a harbored vengeance. I will not tell you who he is, who guides all of this, but I will help you to subvert his plans. After enough subversion you shall finally see him soon enough.” She smiled. “I am here to prevent his tampering nay longer.” And so she beckoned us deeper into the tomb. It grew dim and dark, but eventually we came into a small round room. She seemed to glide to a large kettle in the center of the room. It looked like, though she was old, she still retained a few ounces of her former grace. With a simple flick of her hand the cauldron came to life. Swirling smoke of different colors swarmed around her body as she smiled at me. Then her face grew serious once more. “You can travel far in a moment correct?” Kitty and I exchanged a glance, not certain of how she knew so much, but we nodded. She grinned. From the smoke rose two faces. “If you seek to save your friends find these two men in Britain. Already you can travel far distances, but they shall grant you another piece which shall allow you to travel beyond even the conventional boundaries which you till remain bound by.” “Please tell us more.” Kitty started. The witch grinned and allowed herself to be enveloped in the smoke. Her hand shot out just before vanishing completely. It pointed to us and at that very moment a red glowing X-mark seemed to burn itself into our map...

PS:This is my 50th image post and still going strong! Here's hoping that more readers will come with the next 50!

A Leap in Many Ways...

2007-05-15T14:51:00.001-04:00

With the ghost of Czar Samovar safely secured and in our control we pressed forward. The massive tomb grew darker as we progressed, the air was so stale. I felt ill in the stomach from the smells long forgotten and sealed away. But I glanced at Kitty who, though taken aback by the smell, never staggered. Certainly I could do the same. Basil was just somewhere completely different. He strode boldly, with the passion of an obsessed madman. I whispered my concern to Kitty, she agreed with me that drinking the tea was probably a bad decision. And so we quietly plotted behind Basil's back as he hummed a familiar tune. At this point it would be impossible to talk him out of this mad expedition, however, we could take the tea when we reached our destination and then, at least deliberate. I feared that his first instinct would be to drink it. And then we were there. Ancient torches, lit by some bewitching means, stood on either side. I looked around, this had to be it, we were in a vast chamber with a long staircase. Basil quickly bounded up the staircase. We tried to follow close behind. And then Kitty slipped. I turned to pick her back up and it was that moment that cost us our plan. Basil wads too far ahead by that point.

Upon reaching the top plateau the entire tomb began to quiver. The platform raised up from it's place deep in the earth and into the twilight above. A small pedestal rose as this happened. On it was a tea kettle. Basil turned and grinned at us. “It is perpetually steaming but never over steeping. It is an enchanted tea kettle of legend that makes the perfect cup every time.” I readied myself to make the jump onto the platform. But Kitty gabbed my hand, the distance between you and it is to far.” She motioned to the center of the staircase. Where it once sat was now filled by a deep hole. “If you miss the jump you shall fall to your death.” Our eyes met and we both knew our next course of action. She kissed my hand lightly and I jumped...

O'er heather through aether

2007-05-08T16:28:00.000-04:00

Basil grinned devilishly as he bolted out of the tavern. Kitty and I followed closely behind. He ran to a shed out behind the tavern. “A friend of mine was able to negotiate this space for working. I’m not sure how the deal went down.” Basil paused as he screwed his face up, trying to remember. “I think it featured the auctioning of a termite farm and three souls on Ebay.” “I would hope souls would get you a better shed than THAT.” Kitty muttered. Basil grinned. “The termite farm got the shed, the souls got what is inside!” He applied slight pressure to the door and it swung open upon creaky hinges. He threw on some brass goggles and long gloves. From a dirty old wooden chest in the back corner he drew an ordinary looking jar. Inside there was a small glowing object suspended in the center. “What is that thing?” I asked. “A small luminiferous aether!” My jaw dropped. “What does it do?” Kitty asked skeptically. “This aether generates light, and works almost like a small controlled black hole of sorts.” Basil’s grin spread even further across his face as he did an aerial kick.

“My plan is to enter the tomb of Samovar and release the aether. Even the fearsome spirit of Samovar could not stand against this force. It shall consume him and we can use him as we wish.” A dark expression flashed across my half-cousin’s features. “And then I can claim his legendary tea, drink it, and with the wisdom it provides, outwit any of the gypsy traps.”

2007-05-01T17:15:00.000-04:00

So we arrived in Samovar, safe and sound. If there wasn’t only one I’d highly recommend map travel, although the jet lag is something fierce. And so Samovar is where our story picks up. There’s not much there, in the background a large black object loomed, the towering tomb of Samovar. The people are friendly in Samovar, at least I bet they would be if we spoke the same language, right now their more indifferent than anything else, although there was an old woman who began barking at me… Anyway we found Basil huddled in a back corner of a tavern, in his hands he held a shot of vodka. We immediately asked what happened. He looked at us vaguely at first, and then, once he recognized me his features lit up. “Faux! You’ll never believe it. It’s horrid!” “What Basil, where’s Bella?” Basil looked up sadly. “She’s gone, they took her.” “Who?” I asked in a rather cliché manner. “The gypsies.” He paused. “I obtained invitations to the Count de Orlock’s grand ball. So Bella and I had prepared ourselves and were on our way. We passed a silent crowd on the way over, a strange sight but I though nothing of it. Nothing, that is, until I noticed they were following us. Bella and I ran, but the crowd separated and from it rose a giant Gypsy! ‘The girl is who we want!’ from behind him leaped a girl with a rope, I moved to fight them off but there were far too many.” I looked at Basil as he stopped again. “Basil, what are we going to do?” Basil hung his head low and his shoulders heaved as he sobbed silently. Then suddenly, as if transfigured, he raised his head, a crazed look captured in his eyes. “I have a plan…”

The Return to Olde School... (at least for a time)

2007-04-24T19:18:00.000-04:00

I figured that consulting Boswell was the best way to figure anything out, since he was supposed to have stayed at home. Only he wasn't home, neither was the head of the Witch of Cornwall. The Knifingtons were our only clue, and they could get a little excited. I knew Basil had left for Samovar, that was to be our first stop. Rodney decided to stay at home, we figured someone needed to be there, especially if the Knifingtons had anything to say... Besides that it's harder to hurt a Rotting Corpse Boy with a knife anyway. If they told him anything pertinent he'd call us. At least that's the plan as of now...of course, what do we do for travel? I should mention Kathryn's hanging around, she's insists that I call her Kitty, whatever floats her boat, I just want to find Bella. It made me uneasy letting her go but I did, now this. We headed next door to the neighbor's, I figured that a man with such brains might have a keen way to travel. He hesitated when I told him of our plan and of the urgency. He led us to his attic, and from the attic he went to a trunk, which he opened, inside was a piece of curled parchment. “When Magellan sailed his crew sailed faithfully under him. Though he perished they pressed onward. It was Juan Elcano who first circumnavigated this globe. Upon doing that this map was created. I have heard of several such odd events, when they happen an object of great power appears, these objects have been used to further their goals. Elcano used this to his advantage, traveling instantly and escaping many close calls. While the Cartographers of the world charted the globe he could cover it all in a single day. This is that map, by merely pointing at a spot you can go there in an instant. I give it to you because the consequences of delays sound dire. May it serve you well.” Kathryn and I looked at one another and then I laid my finger on the map. She was holding it flat and grasped the corner. As she as pulled off with it she wrapped her arm around me and we were carried to the land of Samovar...

2007-04-17T16:30:00.000-04:00

A New Tale Begins!

2007-04-10T15:36:00.000-04:00

2007-04-03T17:08:00.000-04:00

2007-03-27T12:57:00.000-04:00

2007-03-20T11:11:00.000-04:00

2007-03-13T17:17:00.000-04:00

2007-03-06T17:13:00.000-05:00

Beware of Bull Booby Traps!

2007-02-27T17:03:00.000-05:00

2007-02-20T21:59:00.000-05:00

I <3 this, but I can't do it every week...

2007-02-13T17:15:00.000-05:00

Like Lando Calrissian...

2007-02-06T14:59:00.000-05:00

Fortunately for me, the Rat King had heard about the incident at Castcom back in July. That is how he came to know that the Rotting Corpse Boy had come to reside with me. So, as he and his rat servants hauled my frozen stone self back to his underground palace some other loyal servants were dispatched to locate Rodney. Go figure he wasn't home. And so they waited, as did I...clearly, I'm stone and can't really do much of anything. In fact, just be happy there's a post this week, it's really kind of hard to blog when your stone, try it sometime you'll agree, I promise. But anyway, eventually he returned and at once the rats began to squeak at him. Rodney totally didn't understand rat though so this caused problems. Eventually some rats had to go and fetch the Rat King himself. “Your friend Faux has been turned to stone and we are hoping that you know how to change him back.” Rodney pondered this for a while. “My ancient brain has to dig deep. But yes, I seem to recall a legend of my people that was lost over time...” The Rat King looked at him impatiently. “And??” “There is a mountain in the air. And, um there's a special fountain that reverses the stone curse. My Grandfather had to fight an army of gorgon half-breeds once. It was then that we went to this fountain. I was very young when we were there but I believe that I could find my way there again.” “That's it?” The Rat King smiled. “Simply reach this fountain? Not even a beast to protect it?” the Rotting Corpse Boy shook his head. “No there was a creature at one time,whether or not it still lives is another matter. That's not the biggest trial though.” The Rat King shook his head. “What could be a more severe trial than a mythical beast?” Rodney looked at him stone-faced. “The mountain is upside-down. One has to turn the entire thing around to even access the fountain.” The Rat King's smile vanished from his features. “Do you recall how to do this?” Rodney shook his head. “Well then.” The Rat King began. “Talking here does little good. Let us at least find our way to the mountain, from there, perhaps we can choose our next step?” “But how?” Rodney asked. “It is in the air!” The Rat king smiled again. “Step into your backyard.” Rodney obediently opened the back door only to be astounded at once by a very large zeppelin parked in the backyard. 'I won it from Francis, the Pirate King of Penguins in a game of black jack. “Well...”Rodney stopped waiting for his surprise to fade enough to speak. “That would explain the large letter F emblazoned on the side...” The Rat King leaned closer to the Rotting Corpse Boy. “Ready to go then?” Rodney nodded. “But where is Faux?” “Already on board.” the Rat King smiled. “I knew you'd have an idea of where to go so I had my ship prepared!” Rodney just nodded. This would be a trip like none other indeed...

Drawing or viewing cartoon images of Gorgons don't cause one to turn to stone (thank goodness!)

2007-01-30T21:33:00.000-05:00

The mouse reached its destination in time, but things still took a turn for the worse. I was being hauled in the arms of the sinister Astro-Astronomer. But still I waited for the right moment. Perhaps if I could have caused myself to vomit in a drain, that may have worked? I would have probably met a similar fate now that I reflect upon it. For certainly now I have time to reflect. As we walked on I waited patiently until the astronaut decided to shift arms. At that moment I elbowed him in the head and bolted off. The crowd of astronauts pursued me but I managed to keep ahead of them. However, I should have remembered Tim. When I punched the hole in his helmet I felt a chilling sensation move throughout my body, almost as if I were beginning to freeze. His laughter echoed down the street as I ran. I heard a small explosion as two astronauts were jet-propelled forward. They arrested me once again and I struggled. Tim made his way through the crowd and looked at me. “It is perhaps time you learned my secret...” He smiled and chuckled. A small mouse was lurking around my foot but I did not look at it. “Yes indeed. We can restore you when we haul you to base, certainly you will be heavier but more manageable.” I scowled. “What do you mean?” “In Greek mythology there is a story of gorgons. I am the son of one such creature.” I grew very nervous when he said this. He reached for his helmet and undid the latch. “Only a direct gaze can paralyze someone. The Greeks understood how this worked at first but as time went on we gorgons had created such a myth around ourselves that many deemed the paralysis to be irreversible. But then again, stone is quite had to reverse!” He grinned as he coyly played with his helmet. “Now you shall see that struggling serves no purpose!” He hissed as he cast his helmet away. The astronauts holding me loosened their grip, but it was because they turned to stone. I moved to avert the gaze but that could not stop it. As my vision grew cold I heard the squeaking of many rats. Among them towered the Rat King. He had come to repay a debt and settle a score. The Rats began to viciously attack the astronauts. Tim scowled and stared the Rat King in the face. “I wish I could turn you to stone.” Tim hissed. “But you know you have no such control over we the rats!” The King retorted. “And your hand can not slay me either.” Tim chortled. “We can not kill you but we can overrun your army.” Tim's eyes grew wide. “The plague!!” “Yes, your men now all have the disease we carry so well.” Tim shook his head. “I wish you had not gotten involved, this only stirs our long spat, astronauts against the rats. And like any cliché feud, this is not over!” Tim bellowed as he and his men bolted away from the terrible spot at the corner of Birch and Chestnut. The Rat King approached me and observed. “It is hopeless to restore the stones...” “Nay sir!” A small voice squeaked. “They mentioned a way to restore one. Perhaps we can find someone who may know?” The Rat King nodded. “Someone from the age of the Greeks...” Then the King sighed. “I wish events in the life of Faux Leroy played out quicker than once every week...” I, being stuck in stone agreed with him.

Brain Freeze

2007-01-23T16:46:00.000-05:00

The astronauts pursued me as I leaped through bushes and tried to evade them. But as I ran more seemed to show up. If this ice cream really was to be part of the cult's supreme rite, I suppose all members were required to try and obtain it. I thought quickly, if I ate the ice cream they'd stop chasing me. Of course, they also might kill me. But they might do that regardless now that I ran and I wanted ice cream if I was to die so soon. At once I flipped the lid off and shoveled it into my mouth, using a spoon I carried with me, just in case. Perhaps this ice cream really turned out to be my saving grace. The astronauts stopped. Had I defeated them? But then I saw Tim approaching. “He has it inside of him. It is still good.” I was shocked at this response. “So long as we can get him before he discharges it our Emperor is safe.” “What are we to do to get it out?” One of the cult members nearby me asked. “We must cut out his stomach.” Tim announced. The astronauts moved in to grab me but I quickly jumped out of the way and dodged their large arms. I punch Tim right in the bubble helmet, shattering the glass. I really don't know how they'd go to outer space in those suits if I could break the glass. A sinister eye watched me from inside the helmet. “Take him to the temple!” This time I was caught and though I fought I could not escape the tight grasp of the cult members. I hadn't died at this point but what was I to do? In the hustle an bustle the cult members failed to see a small, ordinary looking mouse on the ground. My eyes widened at the prospect and I quietly whispered “mouseknit!” to it. The small creature scampered away and I closed my eyes hoping that I might be saved. If only that mouse could run fast enough...

Not as good as Gelato, but hey, still good...

2007-01-16T16:03:00.000-05:00

Bella has been gone for a week now and life goes on. Anyone that reads this journal regularly should not find it surprising that I have once again been drawn into yet another odd series of circumstances. This time the circumstances seem a bit dire because they involve the end of the world (supposedly). Anyway, things are going as they do. That is how this all started. We were running low on groceries so I decided to head out and get more. I picked up a carton of chocolate and vanilla ice cream because I know Rodney and Boswell like it. Anyway I was in the parking lot when I head a rhythmic clanging noise. Then, in the distance I spied a large astronaut carrying a staff. Around his neck was a decorative cloth. “Behold dear child!” He announced through his muffled breathing unit. “You have brought us the sacred item of the apocalypse!” I looked him straight in the face...well more like straight in the opaquely-colored bubble helmet but I assumed that's where his face was, but you never know with my life right? Anyway here we sat, bubble to face. “What are you talking about?” He straightened up. “I am Timothy, high priest and leader of the great cult of Ala-Astro-Astronomers...or triple AAA. We have foreseen the end of the world and now I have come to claim the crucial piece that shall make it all happen.” I looked at him, unamused. “What?” He pointed to the bag with the ice cream. “That ice cream you have, it is the very ice cream that will rule as the Supreme Emperor. We must take it so that it may be committed to the moon in a pageant of holy matrimony.” This was getting strange, even for me. “You're going to marry my ice cream...to the moon.” He nodded. “That is correct. Now if you would kindly hand it over...” I pulled the ice cream from the bag and clutched it tightly. “Forget it.” he shrugged. “Very well.” He dropped his staff and clapped both of his hands. At once a mob of astronauts got out of cars and began to advance towards me. I clutched the ice cream tighter. I wanted a tasty treat and paid good money for this, no way would it be committed to the moon, it might end up melting. “We need it....” “give it to us...” Like zombies they advanced. I quickly turned and ran, breaking past two of the astronauts and bolting out of the parking lot...

Departure

2007-01-09T17:47:00.000-05:00

Earlier this today Basil came bolting into the kitchen as I was standing around preparing my breakfast. “Cousin! I think I'm going to be off again!” I was quite startled. “So soon? It's only been a month!” He smiled and nodded. “Yes yes, you see I was just contacted by a friend of mine, he's found it.” “It what?” I asked. “It, as in the samovar of Czar Samovar of Russia!” I looked at him confused. “Such fortune can only be providence!” Basil remarked as he looked skyward. “You see, I came across that legendary tea of life in Africa. Now I believe I've found another.” He immediately began a rambling description. “The tea of Samovar is said to be tea of great wisdom, even more so than your normal tea would give you. His tomb was a well hidden place, but despite that rumors spoke of his samovar, which was given to him by Mongolians. It was he that popularized the heating implement in Russia, hence it's name. Anyway this tea of wisdom was stored in his samovar, which I've just found out, was buried with him. I'm meeting my friend in St. Petersburg and from there we will be embarking on a journey to the tomb. Now I can see you're wondering why the tea of wisdom is not located somewhere in the middle east around Jerusalem or in Greece, where the wisest men in the world were purported to live. According to my studies in tea lore, the ancient bush, from which this tea was obtained was in Jerusalem. It may have been the burning bush that spoke to Moses in the Old Testament, I have come across some speculation that the bush was planted outside of the temple before it's destruction. However I can not go to this bush because it was either destroyed or stolen during the crusades. My guess would be that it was destroyed, possibly even earlier because there would be other legendarily wise individuals recorded. However, there are some colleagues of mine who think that the bush was stolen and that it is kept hidden by the Illuminati...” “You're leaving then?” Bella suddenly interrupted. We both turned to look at her. “To Russia?” She asked. “Yes, it is time for me to be off again, in the search of tea!” She nodded quietly and left the room. Basil's constant smiled faded for a moment before he relapsed into the details of the tea's origin, including a force of Russian crusaders who obtained a portion of the bush without knowing what it was. Bella returned with resolve in her face. “Basil.” She started. “Would you mind if I would accompany you?” I inhaled sharply, something about this request hit me hard. Basil turned and smiled at her. “It will be dangerous most likely.” She nodded. “All the better, it'd be dull otherwise.” His smiled got even larger and he nodded. “Indeed, cheers!” She shouted as he lifted his cup of tea and downed the rest. “Our flight leaves at 3 O' Clock today!” He announced as he scampered off to his room to pack. Bella looked at me. “I'm sorry, it wouldn't be right otherwise.” I nodded silently. She approached me and gave me a farewell hug. “We'll be back before you know it.” It was the we that cut straight to my core...

Meat baby new year!

2007-01-02T15:04:00.000-05:00

Well Happy New Year to everyone! I hope you're end of the celebration all went well. I, for one had a marvelous, uneventful time. As we toasted to the New Year, a year filled with potential I began to imagine a year absent of the constant random and often dire circumstances that seemed to find their way to my door. Could this new year be a year of quiet reflection by fires with books? Could it be a time of quiet cups of tea. I suppose, having a half cousin like Basil automatically excludes a quiet cup of tea. At any rate I finished the year quite happy. And so I entered into 2007, just as everyone else upon this round world of ours. Why did I not suspect, that as I celebrated a rather unscrupulous individual was making their way to my house. We returned home and slept soundly. The plans for my New Years were to have a nice meal. Often pork and sauerkraut is what we eat, I had the ingredients in the fridge. As I was bustling about getting things prepared someone knocked at my front door. I peered around the corner. The Rotting Corpse Boy, whom we've just been calling Rodney as of late, answered the door. There stood a creature I had never seen before. He hastily pushed his way in past Rodney. “I...erm...need to find the New Year's Baby...I am an official person, and it is important.” I looked at him, from his strange legs to the umbrella he kept open, even indoors. “Right.” I replied as I returned to my work. The Rotting Corpse Boy walked over to me and whispered. “He's a creature from the depths of the earth, I heard about them when I was buried for so long.” The creature, who must have had impeccable ears looked at us. “I am not from deep in the earth, I am instead from your place of leadership, looking for the New Year's Baby!” “Why would we even have such a thing?” Rodney asked. “It is here, I know it.” The creature insisted. “Deep in the ear...I mean in the official building of your elected officials, I encountered a man by the name of G. George Fatts III. He told me of this place, where the baby was.” The Rotting Corpse Boy scratched his head. I pulled him aside. “This guy's not going to leave, G. George has a bit of a grudge against me, and wherever he met this fellow he told him a magnificent lie, just to give us a hard time, we've got to think of something.” Rodney nodded. He went to the counter and quickly grabbed a lump of meat that had been sitting there to thaw. I, meanwhile engaged this creature, he of course, gave very pathetic answers and told me a very pathetic cover story. “So are you an aide to the Emperor or something?” I asked. “Yeah, that's...um that's it.” He tried to smile. Clearly, we had no Emperor, this guy was really lying. Just then the Rotting Corpse Boy returned, holding the lump of meat, however it was made up like a baby. “This is it, our New Year's Baby.” He frowned as he handed it to the creature. Immediately after receiving it the monster chortled. “FOOLS! Now we, the people from deep in the earth have taken your infant of opportunity, this New Year! Now we shall be the ones who can revel in glory at the prospect of new potential!” He let out a raspy laugh as he rushed out the front door, in his haste forgetting to bring his umbrella. As he exited the sunlight hit his eyes. He shook his head and began to stagger around. We both watched as he wandered back to us. “the sun is really bright, can I get my umbrella?” We gave it to him and off he ran, laughing darkly as he went. I looked at Rodney and shrugged, this year was bound to hold something worth experiencing indeed...

Happy (falling into pits with unscrupulous looking elves) Christmas!

2006-12-26T13:39:00.000-05:00

I hope you all had a lovely Christmas, mine consisted of seeing my family, giving gifts, and fleeing from space gnats, I'll have to write about it sometime. Here's another wallpaper for your desktop!

At least he was wearing clothes!

2006-12-19T14:15:00.000-05:00

Yesterday evening was quite pleasant. I took a walk and just enjoyed my evening. However, that was quickly ruined by a stereotypically jolly fat man. Of course, this being so close to the season of Christmas I should have foreseen a seasonal-related adventure in my future. However I did not, at least not until Santa Claus himself rode up on a motorcycle! He stopped right in front of me and grinned. “Hello there Faux.” I looked him right in his icy blue eyes. “Santa?” He nodded. “Yes indeed.” I sighed. “What's with the bike, shouldn't you be really busy right now?” He stared at me and then motioned to his wheels. “Oh this thing? The elves built it for me, I just couldn't give it up.” I nodded in response and hesitantly continued this odd conversation. “Don't you have a whole other 51 weeks in the year to ride that?” His grin vanished. “What are you saying?” I didn't reply. “Are you saying I'm a slacker because I'm on this bike?” I held my lounge. “Well if that IS what you are saying than you would be RIGHT in assuming I'm a slacker and that I am ESCAPING my duties as Santa Claus FOREVER.” I nodded again. “Okay well whatever, it's not like I really believed in you anyway.” The fat man continued. “But you are making me understand my responsibilities, I'm beginning to grasp the MAGNITUDE of a Santa-less world. In fact, you are so convincing that I no longer even feel FIT to do my job. In fact, you are CONVINCING me that YOU would do a much better job.” “Santa what?” “Yes, you are CLEARLY the best person for the job Faux, I trust you know what to do, here's my huge sack full of STUFF for everybody, I know you won't fail the entire WORLD.” “WHAT!?! Santa, firstly what is with all the emphasis on so many words, you talk really lame-like. Secondly I never even said anything about taking your job, I was just saying that you probably shouldn't be taking breaks right now.” “No no, it is TOO LATE for me now Faux, with TEARS in my eyes I depart from you, FAREWELL new Santa...” Santa finished as he revved up his engine and drove away. I was suddenly left with all of the gifts and a really long list, standing in the middle of the road. “This is ridiculous.” I thought. “This Santa guy is a jerk...” I had no idea what to do, I couldn't even move the bag. But just at that moment a postman was driving by. At once I had an idea and quickly took care of this strange problem. I had to by about 3 billion padded envelopes but I finally managed to send all of the gifts via the postal service. Now I'm going to make a cup of Basil's tea, because seriously this whole episode has made me a little more likely to boycott Santa next year...

!!!

2006-12-12T11:55:00.000-05:00

I looked to the door. “Who is it?” I asked. No one answered. “Basil, hold that thought.” I said as I moved to open the door. I began to turn the knob and suddenly Basil stood up. “Wait!!” But it was too late. I found, when I opened the door, a beautiful lady. “Why hello dears, I am the EXCLAMATION SIREN!” I looked at Basil expecting an explanation. “Well there was a beggar woman back near mount Rococo. I gave her a bit of the eternitea and suddenly she became the exclamation siren.” He shook his head. “She leveled an entire village with her mastery of the exclamation point.” “How?” Bella asked. “There are rules. You see, one denotes surprise and/or shock...nothing too bad. Two, creates an unquenchable urge to thrash drums, gnash spoons, and smash trailers. Three places one into a state of coma and four...four causes death...” I turned to look at this creature, suddenly she did not seem quite so beautiful. “How do you get around exclamation points, what's the loophole?” I asked. Basil scratched his head. “Well, it was an invisible number of sorts, you kind of have to just recognize the fact that between every exclamation point there is an invisible number that neutralizes it. When you can see that you will be safe.” The siren lifted her arms and behind her faint images of exclamation appeared. I began to feel the urge to kill something. But then, I began to see, superimposed over every point...the number 5. “Siren!” I shouted. “You have no power over exclamation here!!” She flinched. “I know the secret of the invisible 5!” She twitched and suddenly screamed as she turned and bolted out the front door and into the street. I have no idea where she went from there, but spread the news of the invisible 5, she may be coming for you....

I doubt it...

2006-12-05T17:38:00.000-05:00

Basil looked at Bella as he began telling his tale. “You see, while on my travels I heard of seven varieties of legendary tea. They were the first kinds, hidden long ago for they carried with them, great power. The kind you hold in your hands is a variety said to extend the life of anyone who drinks a cup. There is a story of an African king who found this tea and hid it. He ruled for a thousand years.” “What happened to him?” Bella asked. “Well, he ruled for so long that he forgot what it was like to have the notion of death over your head. He became distant from the people and began ruling badly. Eventually they found the source of tea and drowned him. However, the people deemed the tea to be a thing of the gods and placed it a high mountain.” “How did you get it then?” I questioned him. He looked at me and smiled. “I went to that village.” With a wave of his hand he explained that during the French invasion in Africa there was a mountain which they named the Rococo mountain. “Rococo? Like the French style of painting?” I asked skeptically. “Indeed, it was the favorite style of art, named by the French commander who took control of the land.” He shook his head. “Anyway, to the French this mountain was legendary for some reason, there was a great treasure, rumored to be at its peak. This peak, was quite impossible to reach. Some people told me it was guarded by a French pirate who wished to continue his life and refused to yield this ultimate booty. I went to that village and spoke to the mayor. He led me far out into the bush and left me, saying that I would find the people I seek. I sat there all day, and all night, never moving, even through the heat and the cold. And then, just before daybreak a crowd of shadows gathered around me. They asked me what I desired. I told them what I sought and they conversed for a while. Eventually they told me to shed my clothes and follow them.” “Wait.” I looked at Bella. “You were traipsing through a jungle naked with a tribe of people you didn't know? This sounds ridiculous, why were you naked?” basil smiled again. “They didn't tell me at first but I figured out that in order to reach the treasure one must shed all that makes them prideful. Only with humility can one find the treasure they seek. You know, like the holy grail.” “Yes but did Sir Galahad have to shed his clothes for the grail?” Basil shrugged. “I assure you cousin, my story is true.” He went on to explain a long and arduous trek through the dense jungle. And then finally a treacherous climb to the top of the mountain, eventually it was just him, the members of this tribe did not even follow him to the top. There, at the pinnacle was a sculpted relief of the millennial king's face. On top of that was the tea, sat in an enchanted satchel. “I reached it and drew two leaves from it's pouch to examine them. They glowed with energy.” He finished. I shook my head skeptically, since our youth Basil always exaggerated...and then there was a knock at the door.

Dazzling Charm

2006-11-28T17:43:00.000-05:00

The holiday is over, things were relaxing. Too relaxing in fact. Wednesday came and went, the preparations were made and I found myself curling up with a good book. I should have seen it then, when do I ever have time to read with my life anyway? There was a knock. By now one would suppose that I'd stop answering knocks, after nearly getting stabbed by the psychotic neighbors or dragged into the underworld, one would expect an aversion to answering the door. Now that I think about it, why am I always the one answering? Why doesn't the Rotting Corpse Boy do it? At any rate, I answered it and boy was I surprised. In through the door burst my bold, yet charming half cousin Basil Sterling. Basil spends most of his time traveling the world procuring various fine quality teas. Sometimes I am quite jealous of him. The other thing about Basil is that he seems to be the master of charm. If anyone was dividing up shares when we were born I would have accused Basil of stealing the charming shares of at least eight other people. Bandits have sidearms and daggers, rulers have armies, Basil has charm. At once I was seeing little stars appearing all around him as he flashed us his dazzling smile. Sometimes I doubt that we are even half cousins. “Dearest cousin...” He started. “I have returned for some time from my travels and will be needing a place to stay, would you be able to spare a bed?” I sighed, of course this always seems to happen. Why do I have so many empty beds in my house anyway? I really should look into that. “Yes Basil, there's a bed open for you.” Basil bowed his head. “Thank you so much, I appreciate this.” He launched a small satchel of tea towards me. I caught it and he smirked. “That is some very rare tea I managed to...procure while on my journeys, There is quite a story about it indeed...”

Home Again...

2006-11-21T12:06:00.000-05:00

I made it home from the Underworld just in time to see Bella bringing a large turkey into the house. That's right, it's thanksgiving! Happy Turkey Day! (This image is also a gift! It can double as a desktop background too if you don't mind the bars on the top or bottom)

Under and Out...

2006-11-14T18:37:00.000-05:00

With a sad look on her face the Queen of Seasons lifted her hands. The breezes blew and all seasons seemed to occur all at once. The phantoms around us in the underworld suddenly seemed to pay attention. Before that point they seemed self-absorbed but now all gave their attention. This may have been the first time a breeze ever passed the turf of the underworld, it was as if the memories of those phantoms grew thick in the air. I began to have difficulty breathing, or was it then that I realized that my entire time in the underworld had been spent not breathing? Now that I was I felt a very small amount of air reach my lungs, I gasped, shocked by the sudden turn of events. The Queen of seasons turned to me. “My child, you were not supposed to dwell here so long, the look of this place has had its effect upon you and you have completed the task at hand. Return to your home and leave these matters in the hands of those who can handle them.” I tried stepping towards her but all things seemed to fade into a dark purple cloud. Before that happened though, I saw the Empress of Spring growing rapidly older as the cloud of her youth was stripped away by the Queen of Seasons. “This is what is necessary for Spring to happen again. If you choose to leave then the power that has granted your beauty shall leave you. The Empress looked distressed while the Queen looked on with a strange sense of calm. That was the last thing i saw before I found myself swirling through space, only to find myself at home once more, the place I had left a full month earlier...

A Dire Deed to be Done

2006-11-07T15:04:00.000-05:00

I've managed to find yet another e-mail terminal while here in the underworld. It hasn't been easy, that is for certain. I crashed through the glass, unharmed but very frightened by the wrath of the Spring Empress. She loomed over me and grinned fiendishly. “What was the point of this? The elaborate scene of getting locked in the cage acting as a prisoner for the Autumn King?” “I could have left, but they would have brought me back. Instead if I were to be captured then my rescuers could all meet untimely ends until the rescue attempts decease...” I shook my head, unaware of what powers this creature had at her disposal. “Unfortunately you will be the first to meet his end, for I grew tired of my position as the Spring ruler. It is beautiful and wonderful, but I can do it no longer, the sum of creation is too vast to be limited to one tower for all eternity...” “You must return, what happens to the world if you do not?” She shrugged. “I don't rightly know, it has never happened that a season wanted to leave. Perhaps they have been late or early, but never has one wished to leave. I have done this of my own accord, and now I choose to go to a place from which I can never return from.” With all that said she sighed and held out her hand, a wilted flower appeared. She gazed at it with glassy eyes before extending it to me. I was just about to touch it when it flew from her hand. It buzzed through the air until another received it. “I am the Queen of Seasons.” She announced eloquently. It seemed that the very air disturbed by her breath glowed with a bit of light. “I have been told from the Autumn King that things have become dire.” The Empress of Spring looked silently at the Queen before speaking. “It is not true, things were not that bad...” The Queen closed her eyes. “Enough! I have heard it all, what you desire now and what you have become...In all the time since the foundation of the world have I never done what I am about to do. But as the Autumn King did say, things have become dire indeed...”

The Prince of the Past...

2006-10-31T16:14:00.000-05:00

This is a special post, in flavor with the season I will now recount the tale of the Rotting Corpse boy who has come to live in my home. He first told me this story as we journeyed back from Castcom. His name was Prince Agmett. He lived in the kingdom of the ancient Minoans. Perhaps you have heard of them...perhaps not. But Prince Agmett was a noble Prince and he lived during a time of darkness. In his life his Mother, the Queen passed away. HE was unable to cope with her death, so young and so bold he was! In light of her death he declared that he refused to believe in actual death ever again. She had left him but certainly there was a way to thwart this cruel force? He went to every magician, he sought every oracle and sage, and yet no answer to death could be found. He never ceased to search, knowing that in his heart he banished the acceptance of death altogether. But death reaches us all does it not? It came even to Agmett. The capital was attacked by invaders and soon Agmett found himself fighting in the midst of a large army. He was slain that day by a sword of bronze. He drifted for a long time, through mist and through night, refusing to accept his death even though it had happened. However, it seems his will was so strong that he found himself face to face with the great Rhoades, the bull god of death. Rhoades stared at him. “You are refusing death?” Agmett stood silent. “Your belief in no death is so strong even though you have trekked through it for so long?” “This may be an illusion to tempt me to surrender my idea, but that is something I can never do.” Rhoades was impressed. “A challenge then, I shall charge you and you must leap over me, if you can do that and dodge my flames then I shall grant you the power to remain alive. In essence you shall be immortal.” Agmett accepted, knowing that this is what he had been seeking. Rhoades stood half a universe away and charged. Agmett , who hung in the air prepared himself. The Minoans used to have a bull-jumping festival each year, dedicated to Rhoades. Who could have known that Agmett would one day be leaping over the god himself?The flames nearly reached him but he made it over completely unharmed. Rhoades conceded defeat. It was at that moment that Agmett awoke once more. From his slumber he stirred, only to find himself trapped in a large stone tomb from which he could not escape. And so he waited, for a very long time, until a band of archaeologists discovered the city. They broke the stone sealing the tomb. Agmett waited again. Then, at night he pulled himself free from the tomb. He was badly decomposed by this point. He could never return to the world of men in his current state. It was then he heard Rhoade's voice in his head. The god had joined with him, was it his power sustaining Agmett? The bull-god suggested piecing together a new body, since Agmett could not transition out of the one he had. The former prince deliberated a long time but finally made his decision. Was it due to a cruel twist of fate? A group of archaeologists were there late one night and he saw Agmett and shouted for the others. Agmett quickly had to silence him. Ultimately it was Rhoades that did it. Agmett reached out his hand and Rhoades appeared and slew the man. Was the blood on Agmett's hands now? This body would decompose just as the prince's had. Could he truly allow it to go to waste? And that is how he began, by piecing together what he could from that dead man. The other archaeologists in that group found him but Rhoades dealt with them as well. Soon he had built himself a new shell, but that was not the end of Agmett's tale. The dig, financed by a powerful organization, claimed all that was found. They discovered a way to suppress the power of Rhoades and capture the prince. That is how he became the prisoner of Castcom and that is where I found him several months ago...
Happy Halloween!

Even in Nilfheim...

2006-10-24T18:33:00.000-04:00

The longer I dwell in the Underworld the more and more dead I begin to feel and look. I know I am paler than before, it is as if I'm already making that transition. I rode the Ski Doo as far as I could. At least until I reached Nilfheim. You see, the underworld is vast, and each name of the underworld, whether it be Sheol, Hell, Hades, or Nilfheim is really a mere district in the giant city of the dead, Necroplystyalias. I reached this city. And in the district of Nilfheim I found the Empress. There is a tree of all the pleasures on earth, good and bad. It is rooted here. It is quite funny actually, a Solarelks coffee was built at the base, I know they are everywhere up top but even in the underworld! I entered looking for a drink, the temptation down there was far too great. But I never bought a drink, because as I entered I saw her. The Spring Empress, an 8 dollar Mocha in hand. (It costs a lot to import coffee down there evidently) She looked at me. “Are you the Spring Empress?”. I expected to look for a cage and a sneering Winter King. “Indeed I am, who are you?” She replied loftily. “Faux LeRoy, I am here to save you.” I said, my resolve breaking with each word. She smiled. “Poor fool, I bet the Autumn King sent you here. Little did he know I came here of my own accord!” I scratched my head. “What does this mean?” Her eyes flashed gold. “I imagine you will inform him I do not wish to go.” I nodded. “You are a fool for coming here, and you shall never again leave!” She exclaimed as the store began rattling. I desperately jumped through the front windows as they exploded with the force of her might...

My Aunt Used to Have One of Those...

2006-10-17T14:38:00.000-04:00

Well I bet you're wondering how I'm posting from the underworld, because that is where I still am. I found one of those e-mail kiosks and hopped on. Of course I had to threaten an excitable ghost of a man down here to get his user information to log on but that is besides the point. Things are strange, to say the least. By now I've crossed the river Styx and have found no sign of the Spring season yet. But I had an interesting encounter before getting to this point and I think the information could be helpful if any of you decide to take a trip to the underworld (which I don't really recommend). Anyway, I started by following that bird. It flew so quickly I had difficulty keeping up with it. But that was on normal terrain, as we approached the entrance things became a big more rocky. And then, i found it, the entrance to the underworld. It was guarded by one of the most fearsome beasts I had ever seen. Now I know you mythology types would be thinking CERBERUS! That is what I encountered...kind of. As it turns out, sometime between the rise of the Roman empire and the end of British imperialistic age the entrance to hell was left unattended. For you see the Cerberus began to grow lonely. He wandered off searching for a thing called love. Evidently he found it...in a rotary telephone. Yeah....Well as it turns out the Cerberus returned to his post, only to realize he had no desire to do that anymore, so he made the lovechild of rotary phone and himself stand guard. That is where I come in. Standing before me is a looming three-headed rotary phone! What am I to do? His phone snap at me and I dodge to and fro. Thinking on my feet I jumped out of the way and rushed towards the beast. I lunged at his center, my finger extended, and quickly dialed the first 1-800 number that came to mind. I quickly hid behind the rock as the automated voice message kicked on. I waited....and waited. Then, I heard it. “If you are dialing from a rotary phone, please stay on the line...” This was my chance! Like Orpheus I fled past him, only to find myself confronted with the river of the dead. Charon's price was far too high so I decided to walk the bank, looking for an alternative option. As it turns out there is a Ski Doo rental place located on my side of the bank. I had to pay quite a bit, I guess gas is expensive in hell. Whatever it worked. It was a jet ski/ snowmobile model, perfect for covering long distances of terrain. I haven't found the Empress yet but hopefully in due time I shall...

How Does That Myth Go?

2006-10-10T15:17:00.000-04:00

I woke up this morning, what the weathermen called the perfect autumn day. However, as I walked outside I was confronted by an icy breeze that cut through to my very core. The Witch of Cornwall’s head rolled over to the door and scowled at me. “Shut the door, it’s such a cold day.” She rolled off, she’s been cranky ever since Bella brought her home, is that what happens after your body is disconnected? Well I shivered and moved to close the door when a bare bronze arm shot out and held the door open. “Wait a moment.” I followed the arm, it attached to a smoking figure clothed in autumn leaves. “Faux LeRoy, I have heard about you and ask for your assistance.” The being spoke. “Who are you?” I asked, completely weirded out by this point, this guy had no shirt on, wasn’t he freezing? Or did the smoke around his legs keep him warm? “I am the autumn king he boomed as he pushed into the house. I nodded quietly and closed the door. “How and WHAT did you hear about me?” He grew more serious in appearance. “Let me explain. This day it is frigid, for I am not at my tower commanding the weather as it should be commanded.” “You should return then.” I muttered. “Problem solved.”
taking the Empress of the spring away. I was informed of this and immediately went to intervene.” He paused and shook his“NOT QUITE.” He shouted. “For you see, this day the Winter King has finally succeeded in head. “I was too late; the Winter King had somehow grown strong enough to overtake her in her own tower. He hauled her out and took her to the underworld.” He paused once more. “The underworld is not even within our realm, we have no power there. It is an abysmal place that I have journeyed to on occasion in the past. But where was I? Ah yes, I followed them secretly and watched as he locked her up. He placed her in a cage and returned to his own tower. I tried to break the cage but I could not succeed. For you see he enchanted the cage in such a way. Only he could open it…or so I thought.” He stared at me and nodded. “You’re the one I heard about, sure enough. For you see, while in the underworld I ran into a person who had taken a journey on the 4^th of July. He told me about a brave young man and the more I heard about you the more I figured you may be the one who can help me.” “But only the Winter King can open the cage?” I asked skeptically. “No no, the cage was made by the hands of a man and therefore, it can also be broken by the hands of a man. This is a rule, we of this realm and of the underworld can not alter the physical objects of man, but men can.” “So you want me to go to the Underworld?” He smiled for the first time. “Indeed.” He looked at me again. ‘You probably don’t know how to get there do you?” I smiled. “No I do I go on vacation there all the time, the beaches are a lot less crowed than Ocean City…” He furrowed his brow. “That didn’t make much sense to me, but I must away for now, the season waits for no one. This bird shall guide you there. Follow him and keep him by your side…” With that he vanished. In his place sat a dark bird covered in eyes. I write this now, not certain how long I will be away; I hope the house stays in one piece while I’m away...

Ai Think Things Are Crazy Here...

2006-10-03T15:50:00.000-04:00

So last Tuesday my life got a bit more exciting, actually it always seems to be doing that, maybe eventually it will cease to be exciting and then when a dull streak finally occurs I will post and say that my life has been very eventful because suddenly things changed a lot, does it really work like that? I’m not certain. Anyway I was sitting with a cup of tea and a warming a frying pan for stir fry. Bella was sitting over by the steps. Things that day were quiet but as I was preparing the vegetables the wind suddenly picked up. She smiled wickedly. It got a raised eyebrow from me. “Bella what’s going on?” She turned to me and smiled. “Nothing much, just being an older sister…” Then I saw it, approaching the window, it blew open and into the house came a small dark bird with a black witches hat on top of its head. I thought it was rather cute with the striped plumage and all, and then it started flying around my head. “What is this? Bella?” I asked impatiently, she smiled. It was then that Boswell decided to walk across the kitchen counter. He saw me swatting around my head and followed my arms to the bird. The bird let out a little peep and moved towards Boswell. “Garbage & filth!” He screamed. Bella smiled. “Wow, you even screamed with the ampersand, I’m impressed.” “Why is Ai here, you know we don’t get along!” Boswell exclaimed as he leapt onto the handle of the frying pan which fell to the floor, dumping my fresh vegetables all over the floor. I shook my head, quite bothered by this. I picked up the frying pan ready to smack that silly bird, I didn’t even care that it was cute; my vegetables were on the floor! “Woah!” Bella jumped up, “I was only having a bit of fun, ease up will you?” She looked at the bird. “Ai my dear, come here.” The little shadowy bird obeyed immediately, landing gently on her shoulder. Boswell shook his head, we exchanged a glance. If I can say one thing about Miss Bella Argyle, it is that she does what she wants…

Knifin' Around

2006-09-27T01:32:00.000-04:00

So today I answered the door, I looked and saw no one, but as I closed it a shrill voice called out. “Hoorary! I’m here to visit!” I looked down; it was the happy knife son of the happy knife neighbors next door. “Hoorary I wish to borrow sugar!” He squealed. “For cookies!!” I looked at him and shrugged. “Sure buddy.” But as I turned to go to the kitchen I heard a dark laugh. I turned around to see the happy knife son neighbor come flying at me through the air, a dark glare in his eyes. “I’m also here to murder!!” I should pause to mention, this happens somewhat frequently with these neighbors, they moved in sometime last year. Boy, do they keep my life interesting. It I shouted and the corpse boy from Castcom came over, “Woah!” He shouted, a flying knife boy!” He jumped in the way and the knife son pierced him, of course he didn’t feel a thing, instead he plucked the knife son out of his chest and slid him into the wooden knife block in the kitchen. “Here’s the sugar.” I said as I handed it to him, he nodded and took them both next door. Then I went back to working on my projects.

EZ Pass Egypt!

2006-09-19T13:39:00.000-04:00

I was out driving for a while and I had to get onto the turnpike. No problem right? When is that ever the case with me...seriously. I leaned out the window to get my ticket when SHUMP it was consumed by the machine. I pulled over and went to the window, the lady looked at me and I explained the situation. She quickly printed me a new ticket and slid open the window, she extended her hand, only to have the ticket sucked upward. It was caught in the vile hands of the KING EMPEROR NIGHTMARE EGYPTIAN MONSTER #XIII. He snickered as he floated menacingly over the toll plaza. “You shall never be able to use the turnpike insolent fool!” I was confounded, for I quickly tried a flying ninja kick and released a few white doves through a burning ring of fire just for effect...nothing. Woo, I was tired by that point. I slumped into my car, feeling completely defeated. It was then that I sat upon a flute given to me by a strange old man a number of years ago. I quickly pulled it out and held it aloft, knowing that Medieval flute music was the little-known cure for all variations of the Nightmare Egyptian Monster!! As I began my song the beast began to belch fire. The toll plaza erupted into flames and drivers took this opportunity to speed on through, toll-free...except for it sucked for the people getting on because when they got off, no ticket...As my song finished the beast split into four pieces and flew off in each of the cardinal directions. The lady in the toll both nearest me (which conveniently survived) handed me the legendary EZ PASS INFINITY! Thanks toll roads...now I can drive forever!!

She has gone mad...

2006-09-12T14:19:00.000-04:00

Well, um...Bella has been busy, that's about all I can say. This past week has been madness, sheer and absolute insanity. Besides finding out more about the mysterious tag-a-long from Castcom (I'll go into more detail later, there is enough there to be an entire post in-and-of itself) Bella has made my life a mess for the time being. When the boy and I returned no one was home, that was Sunday afternoon, by the evening I had an unexpected guest...chaos. I heard footsteps approaching the door, with a bang my front door opened as Bella kicked it open. “HAH HAH HAH!” She laughed wildly. “Faux, you MUST see this!” “What's up?” I asked hesitantly. Bella grinned madly as she held up an old sack with a moderately-sized round object inside. She hurled it onto the kitchen table and slumped into a chair. I slowly and cautiously opened the bag, as soon as I saw it's contents I drew back. It was a HEAD! “Grow a backbone!” She sneered as she pulled the contents out onto the table. Before us laid the head of the Witch of Cornwall. “You...killed her!” I shouted. She shook her head impatiently. “I decapitated her, I didn't kill her.” “What's the difference?” I shouted. “The difference is that I'm still alive.” The Witch spoke as she opened one eye and peered angrily at us. “How is that possible?” I backed up a few steps. It was then that I bumped into the boy from Castcom, I stopped questioning then. “Why did you do this?” I pressed. “To save my brother.” Bella replied coldly. “Mercy Boswell!” I exclaimed, where is he?” “He's right here.” Bella sighed as she pulled a small figure from her pocket. “Confound it Bella!” A tiny voice shouted. She gently placed him in my hands where I could get a better look at him. Once again, he was an imp, but this time he was no larger than a tea bowl. I nearly fell over from the shock of it all. “Why?” I asked. “His protection.” Bella replied nonchalantly. “I couldn't sit around, you have to understand that.” I shrugged and took another glance at the very frustrated Boswell. “Clearly.” Was the only word I could muster.

Recollection in Color

2006-09-05T15:07:00.000-04:00

On the way home from my arduous journey I encountered two odd individuals. One was named Mortimer, the other named Bellamy. The climate was dry, in fact it was a dessert area, similar to what you see in movies, a long stretch of road with no one around. However, as I drove I noticed a small dark spot in the distance. The strange boy from Castcom was resting in the back seat and I didn't think this to be a large enough problem to bother him. The dark patch grew bigger as I neared it, and then I began to see what it was...Bellamy and Mortimer stood arguing with one another atop a large ball. It had many designs in it, including a curious one involving the letter A. Naturally, since I couldn't really get around it I stopped to see what was the matter. “You just don't care, That is your problem!” Bellamy shouted. “Wrong, I do care, I would not be on top of this ball if I did!” Mortimer retorted. “Gentlemen” I politely interrupted. “What seems to be the issue here?” Bellamy looked down at me. “He wants to roll this ball! But he can't, he simply doesn't understand what that would do...” “It would ruin your comfort perhaps but don't you see what you've become, the place in which you find comfort is not a comfortable place at all!” Mortimer snapped back. Bellamy scowled. “How can you make that judgment call, you are not me. I will not allow you to roll on this ridiculous you have conceived. It is a very stupid idea.” Mortimer shook his head. “I do not agree friend. Why do you hold such an opinion?”

“Because it is proved by fact!” Bellamy nodded. “Wrong!” Mortimer yelled. “It is accepted by the general public, but know this friend, seldom is the general public ever correct.” At this the ball shook a little. “You disregard public opinion and the greater good because you don't care enough.” The ball planted itself once more. I had heard enough. At this point I jumped in. “It is not a matter of not caring, he chooses not to care because he has thought through it and arrived at this conclusion. He has done more thinking and evaluation than many who agree with the general opinion. He is not apathetic out of ignorance but apathetic because he has come to a level of greater understanding!” Mortimer looked at Bellamy as Bellamy quivered. “But apathy is apathy!” “Or is the latter form something completely different?” With that Bellamy clenched his hands and vanished into a flash of sparks. Mortimer waved down to me, for by that point the ball had begun to roll slowly onward. It was not deterred by any means but remains slow and steady. “Thank you friend, with two my ball has begun to roll once more, with more it will roll faster!” His voice echoed as the distant desert swallowed him up. I watched until he was nothing more than a speck and drove home...

Mood Swingy

2006-08-29T15:45:00.000-04:00

The CEO frowned as this strange figure approached. He began to stagger as he reached the edge of the building. His facial expression shifted from madness to calm. He looked at me and flashed a skeptical look. “You should not be involved...”He started calmly only to return to his wild state. His face seemed to remain placid as his hands convulsed. He clenched them so that they looked like claws. Slowly he reached up and tilted the top portion of his head back. It remained fastened by the stitches. And as he did this a dark mist began to pour out. It formed into a grinning fiend of a thing. “I wish to handle this matter myself” The smoky cloud bellowed. The three flies trailing behind him buzzed lower as if obeying that comment. The CEO and the figure went into a bout of intense dialog, meanwhile I was thankful to have a deck of cards on my person. When they finished talking I'd play it by ear, but right now I felt a game of Solitaire was appropriate. I lost. But by the time I was realizing this the wind had picked up. The gathered cloud began to drift up towards the over-sized CEO and expanded until it was all around him. “It was in your best interests!” His loud voice echoed across the city. “Don't you know that's not the way things work?” The smoke cloud retorted. Meanwhile the body of the boy stood silent, his head still pulled open. “That is far too conventional...I'm seated in something much deeper, death can not find me that way...” I was totally confused at this point but began top pay more attention because at that point in the conversation, well it really wasn't conversation. The CEO wailed as he suddenly began to melt away. The dark cloud swirled around him; the winds were very turbulent. With a quick jerk the CEO suddenly vanished, however as a result the air around us seemed to reverse, instead of swirling towards him they blew away. The dark mist blew over me and pushed me backwards, off of the edge of the roof. Fortunately I grabbed on but I could not see the boy from that vantage point. I was clutching the edge for my very life, slowly I pulled myself back up but by the time I had he was standing there silently watching me. His face was calm... “Thank you.” He nodded. I brushed myself off and he extended his hand. I shook it and then he said to me. “I have little place to go and you have done me a great favor, do you mind if I tag along?” I shrugged. Might as well, after all, I already had a strange girl with (I'm assuming) an even stranger past, why not allow a Frankensteined fellow join the bunch?

Psuedo Super Sentai Spectacular

2006-08-22T20:57:00.000-04:00

So onto business, I have been away for longer than expected but at least I have made it to this Tuesday. The villainous CEO of Castcom had tried to destroy me and others around me, that is where I draw the line… And so I left for the Castcom headquarters once more. Before I had done it to investigate, now I was here to settle a matter. This customer had a complaint, press one for more options…I quickly entered the building and took no time to stop at the front desk; instead I brushed by the people downstairs and went straight to the elevator. No one stopped me; all the doors were left unlocked, all the way to the main office. Strange, I thought. And then, I suddenly knew why, I had fallen into a trap! The office doors slammed shut and the lock clicked. Suddenly a huge pale fist came pummeling through the large glass windows. As the fist pulled away I could see the smiling face of the CEO. He had somehow grown the size of a small sky-scraper! Seriously I’m still kicking myself for not bringing my Henshin wristwatch. He reached his hand in again but I artfully dodged his hand, only to then leap upon it and use his arm as a bridge. With a flick of his wrist the vile CEO dropped me onto the room of the building. “I’m going to connect you to a phone and sap your soul by placing you on hold!”…If you still have any additional questions please stay on the line, an operator will be with you shortly… I bolted at once for the door, knowing I was, yet again, no match for this creature. However the door leading away was locked as well. I turned to look at him again when a glimmering object caught my eye. Wrapped around his middle finger like a ring was a piece of string fastened to a dangling key. I ran with all my might along his arm once more and just barely managed to grasp it. I yanked it off and felt it grow warm in my hand. It fired away toward the lock, drawn by its own power. However it was not the correct lock! Instead the key zoomed to a small shed I had not noticed before. It slid into a lock with a skull etched into it. With a shudder the shed door broke off into several pieces. I watched breathlessly. The CEO, it seemed, did likewise. Out of the shadows emerged a boy followed by three small flies. He had stitches on his arms and face, it appeared as if he were a Frankensteined creation. He looked back and forth quietly, a straight look upon his face. “Well then, I suppose it’s time I take out the trash…it’s been around so long it has begun to reek!” A wild grin overtook his features and he came rushing towards us…

It's Castcomtic!

2006-08-13T15:52:00.000-04:00

My time at Tee pees and Escapades has ended. The time has passed quickly but Thursday was my last day of work. I bid everyone farewell, the day had been uneventful. It was a touching moment as everyone waved, for a moment I felt like an astronaut, reading himself to launch off. However as I placed my keys in the ignition there was a rumbling unlike any in recent memory. Was I hungry? Certainly not! For low and behold, the entire store was being overwhelmed, warehouse and all. Every delivery truck, every box by the dumpster! From the ground dark bubbles began to rise, these turned into tentacles, which then turned into a gigantic blob. As it grew a head formed. It leered at me as I took notice of the large CASTCOM logo branded on its forehead...This would not do. Has it already been a month since I faced off with that fiend? If only I had not fled, if only it had ended there! This beast continued to grow as it reached for the sky. It's head continued skyward as it's neck continued to extend. It was then that the manager...err...managed to press himself against the blob. He shouted to me from inside. “Use our rental rocket and pump!” I looked at him quizzically, for the delivery trucks had all be consumed by this beast...save one. I quickly ran to the truck and threw open the door. Inside I found a suit hanging on a hook, I put it on and set the ship up. It was a rocket for one. I slung the pump on my back and sat down. How funny that now I really WAS readying myself to launch. I flipped a flew switches and soon the rocket engine began to snort. With a sudden bang the ship exploded into the air. As I ascended I wondered what I was supposed to DO with the pump? But then I saw it, a giant Adam's apple on the neck of the beast. In the center was a large X. I quickly got my pump ready and sent it flying. The mechanical pack started going and soon the monster began growing in size. I watched it's head as it bobbled too and fro. Suddenly it began to shake uncontrollably Followed by a large explosion. I blinked curiously as its remains fizzled into nothingness. The landing was rough but when I got out my manager thanked me. I nodded and smiled but in my head I knew one thing was certain, the vacation was off, I was going CEO hunting. So on Tuesday I'm afraid I will not be able to update as I will be in a very large city far away, attending to business...

Argyle Madness!

2006-08-08T16:45:00.000-04:00

With suspicions we returned the next day. Bella could not remember much more and i was left baffled by the mysterious game called misty maple. What role did it play in all of this and why on earth had Boswell been so adamant about an inexperienced player facing him? The day was hot and so we decided to head out closer to sunset. We made the journey back the the stream. Bella hesitated and looked at me. “I'm hesitant and I don't know why, shouldn't I be happy to lift this curse?” I shrugged uncertain of what to say but figuring I should give some input. “I know little about curses but do you remember anything about his?” She shook her head disparagingly, “No, but I suppose we shall simply have to see what happens, he is waiting for us.” With that she stepped into the waters once again. In an instant Boswell had returned. “Bella, so good to see you. It took you long enough.” “Boswell” Bella started. “What is this curse you are under?” Placing his small hand upon his brow Boswell began. “I have been transformed and imprisoned as an imp.” “But why am I the one to break the spell, how do I know you Boswell?” The imp frowned. “I can not tell you, part of the terms of the curse, but because of our relation you can break it.” He looked at me and then back to Bella. “Now are you ready to break this blasted curse?” She nodded grimly. Boswell quickly snatched a clump of mud from the shoreline and handed it to Bella. Then he placed himself in front of her and closed his eyes. “Drop the mud upon me and the spell will do the rest.” She nodded again and slowly let the lop slip through her fingers. As it fell she waved both of her hands out to the sides and then clapped them together in front of Boswell. With a flash and a swirling jet of mist Boswell stood up, no longer an imp but instead a young man, bearing a striking resemblance to Bella. He smiled at her and bowed. “Thank you kindly dearest sister.” Immediately Bella gasped. “Boswell!” “Wait a minute!” I interjected. “What about who she is?” Boswell grinned at me and jumped back and forth on the balls of his feet, getting accustomed to being free of his imp-self. “I've told her all she needs!” And with another bow he took off through the stream. Bella took off after him only to stop in her tracks as a loud crack split the sounds of the outdoors. “I have found you at last!” Boswell's eyes widened. “Garbage!” And with that he vanished into thin air. By this point I was absolutely baffled. “What just happened?!?” Bella turned to me with teary eyes. “It was Boswell, he was my brother...I was the one who placed him under the curse initially.” I scratched my head as she continued. “It was the Witch of Cornwall, he fell in love with her but her goal was to steal his strength to make herself stronger...I turned him into that imp for to protect him and now I've undone my own work!” She fell on her knees into the cool waters. “But how could that be?” I asked. “Misty maple was our favorite game and I always won against him. To ensure the spell would not be broken by accident I made a clause, he had to beat me, or someone playing for me before the curse could even be broken. Now I've messed things up royally.” We headed back for a cup of tea because seriously, tea always makes things a little better...unless you have frequent bladder troubles, then maybe not...but otherwise...

I Wish I Knew What Was Going On Here!

2006-07-30T15:49:00.000-04:00

Well it seems that the girl remembers very little at this point, not why she was running or where to find anyone who may be able to help her. Her name is Bella, but beyond that she doesn't recall anything else about herself. I've just started to called her Bella Argyle because of those very distinctive pants she wears. I figured that an evening during the summer season always causes me to remember things past, perhaps it would work with Bella as well? We took a walk after dinner and as she went she seemed to at least be calm. For you see, she has been terribly disturbed by the fact that she recalls so little. Anyway we continued on our way down the road when we approached an area of road that was covered by trees. A stream runs under a small bridge just as one crosses over into that section of road. We caught the smell of the forest and she gasped. “I know this place.” Suddenly she ran to the stream and took off her shoes. She cautiously slid her feet into the water. The stream immediately began to foam and up from the waters shot an imp-like creature. “Bella.” He snorted. “What brings you here?”

She spoke quietly as she shook her head. “Boswell, I recall you but not why...” “Why what?” Boswell asked. “Why you are here, or why I remember this place, but I know it is important as are you.” Boswell grinned. “So you can't remember dear Bella?” “No.” She replied, distressed. Boswell clapped his wet hands together. “Ah you are and I are both in fortunate situations. For I can help you remember most of everything you may have forgotten!” At this Bella smiled. “But what do you gain from that?” I interrupted. He looked at me and snorted again. “Well it just so happens that I am under a curse and YOU, my dear, are the only one who can break it.” Bella's smile faded. “But Boswell I don't remember anything, how can I break your curse?” “I can tell you exactly what to do, but, but it has to be you that does it, and not me.” He explained. She shrugged her shoulders. “Great!” He answered as he clapped his hands together again. “Now, first things first. The game.” “Game?” I asked. “Yes the game, Misty Maple...” “Misty Maple!” Bella exclaimed, “I remember that game for some reason, but not why it's important...” “Oh.” Boswell looked a bit put out by this turn of events. “You know remember how to play?” He shrugged his shoulders and pointed at me. “He can do it....er...HAS to do it.” Bella glanced over. “Why must he do it, if I'm to break the curse?” “Thems the rules, first we've got to play a game and then you come back tomorrow and finish breaking my curse.” “Tomorrow? But what about telling me who I am?” “Tomorrow as well, break my curse and I'll tell you all about yourself.” He looked at me, “You don't know how to play, Bella I want to give him a chance to learn since you recall how much fun the game can be.” I walked up beside her and asked. “Can we trust him?” She sighed. “We have little choice.” At that Boswell snapped his fingers and I found myself the size of a minnow. Boswell had also shrunk down and now we were floating downstream on a maple leaf with a deck of cards, a cup filled with water, and a dice. “How do you play?” I asked. Boswell flashed a wicked grin. “I can tell you, Misty Maple must be figured out!” “But I'll lose!” I shouted. “I know.” The game commenced, there was a swirling of a cup filled with water, a dice dropped into it followed by more swirling and then a quick emptying of all the cards in our hand. Boswell shouted “I win!” Suddenly I found myself standing in the water next to Bella, full size. “You lose, see you tomorrow!” With that he splashed back into the waters where we could not find him...

Seriously, I Know the Duke of Pastries!

2006-07-25T17:43:00.000-04:00

THURSDAY I went to New York City The Count de Sang was heading that way to meet some friends from afar. Soon we had a merry troupe, and off we were, to the city! Due to circumstances we decided to meet his friend for dinner. It was a lovely time of food and conversation...that is...until DESSERT! The waiter kindly told us that our dessert was only a short while away. We eyed the pastries behind the counter and began the difficult task of deciding which to try. I picked mine and soon enough we were ready to order, that's where things got weird. The waiter smiled and left to bring us our desserts, however he returned with nothing in hand and only a frown on his face. “It seems the pastry chef is withholding pastries from this table, he simply won't allow it.” I nearly collapsed from the shock, here we were, so close to such wonderful pastries and now our way was thwarted by a PASTRY CHEF! We questioned the waiter and he only shook his head. “I can't give a good explanation, perhaps the chef himself can describe why...” And it was then that I understood, for before us stood the pastry chef, but he was no unknown pastry chef but instead the world famous G. Godfrey Grotesque the VIII! Indeed this fiend of a chef was world renowned for his sugary delights but to me he was known as the cousin of G. George Fatts the third and a second cousin once removed to the sworn enemy of Count de Sang...”Jailor Bob...” The count muttered. He flashed us a devilish grin. “What are you to do without a proper end to your meal? Your stomachs shall never let you rest, and you shall be drawn to this place forever, seeking a meal but truly seeking the dessert that you never received. It shall be a perpetual craving in your gut!” He exclaimed terribly. “Such a thing is madness and torture dear sir, please let us have our pastries, we have done nothing to you.” He shook his head fiercely. “I do this not because the two of you have grudges against my kin but simply because I'm THAT MEAN!” It was all over, we could do nothing against this wicked chef of pastries. It was then that our waiter appeared below the balcony on which we had been sitting. “Here, pastries della awesome!” With that he sent up six of the baked items. We ate them quickly, the pastry craving subsided and now rays of awesome filled the restaurant. G. Godfrey could do little against it and shrieked as the sheer force of awesome cast him far away, out of the restaurant, out of the city, out of the state of New York altogether. In fact we had done such a service to the restaurant that they almost decided to give us our meal on the house...almost...

Yeah, I'd Trade That In...

2006-07-23T16:40:00.000-04:00

So the other day I picked up a sweet game for my old schoolin' game console. I was in the store when I found an interesting cartridge. It was black...suspicious? Very. Immediately I thought of that movie where the girl pops out of the television set and makes you totally grody because she's grody and let's face it no one wants to be grody alone, seriously. So of course I bought the thing, figuring, that I might as well add a bit of adventure to my weekend. I arrived home and decided to pop in the game. Of course I had to blow on it a few times because everyone knows, the game really can't be that good unless you need to blow on it to get it to work. That's just a fact. However the screen came on, the title music began to play and then suddenly a monster appeared on the screen! He leaped out of the picture, just like in that sad tale of grodiness. “I am the Pixel Monster of PIXELATION!” Then he shot out a pixel fireball that totally blew up my sofa. “Dude. You totally can't go popping out of television sets and wreck people's sofas like that, and seriously Pixel monster of Pixelation?? Two of the same word in your title, they could sell any game idea in the eighties...” I sighed. The monster blinked a few times. “But the cartridge was cursed and you brought this curse upon your house!” I shook my head. “Yo dude, I understand the cursed bit, but I was expecting more of the gagging up Nintendo controllers and seeing some freaky crap in my mind, NOT let's just jump straight out and wreck stuff, that variety of curse is totally weak and is really causing me to consider whether or not this game was even worth the two bucks I paid for it.” He blinked again. “Seriously?” “Seriously, your curse sucks dude.” This made him cry...large pixel tears, I rolled my eyes as he sobbed and broke down my front door. The pixelated tears trickled out the newly made hole in my wall. I decided to play Tetris instead.

Witchy Weather We've Been Having Lately...

2006-07-18T20:31:00.000-04:00

The other day, as I was driving through Cornwall I had yet another unusual encounter. As it were, I was driving my car listening to some very pleasant music. I was heading towards some dark clouds overhead. However my quiet car ride was interrupted by a girl in argyle pants running towards me as fast as she could. At her side was a young man in long coat dragging her by the hand. Both of them looked out of breath, the man waved at me to stop. I stopped. I began to get out of my car, there seemed to be no one else around. The man rushed up beside me and flung open my side door. "Please take her." He said with a face that looked as if it had been carved out of stone. Before I could even ponder why a Merry-go-Round and Carousel had two different names (even though they are quite similar) the girl muttered "The Witch of Cornwall." This gave me an odd feeling in the pit of my stomach. I looked up and, heading towards us was another figure, one of a woman in a dark dress. Her auburn hair flying about as she seemed to sail in on the very air itself. "Get her away from here!" Shouted the young man. "What of yourself?" I asked. "I shall be well enough..." He did not sound entirely confident. I shrugged and got into my car. Quickly I started the engine and began to pull away, heading towards the way I had just come. In my rear view mirror I could see flashes. Was it lightning or had that dark woman met the young man? Some strange things have happened in the past, i must admit but this was almost too strange, and yet a girl was laying out of breath and asleep in the backseat, what could all of this mean?

Ice Cream Prevents Late Fees!

2006-07-16T15:45:00.000-04:00

Summer is here and a few days ago it struck me as a perfect evening for some ice cream and relaxation. I quickly called my good friend, the Count de Sang and before anyone could even think of saying “I wonder what Theodore Geisel got his doctorate in” The Count had arrived and we were embarking on a ride to the ice cream shop. Of course the bikes were in bad shape, flat tires and slipping gears and chains, what were we to do? At once I decided to visit the neighbor, they had just moved in and rumors were flying about that they owned a pawn shop, perhaps they could help us? I approached the house and knocked on the door timidly, it swung open as my neighbor looked at me, remaining silent. “Hi, I was wondering if we could borrow some bikes from you guys so that we could head down to the ice cream shop.” My neighbor stared ominously and suddenly erupted in a fit of laughter that echoed all the way down to the far neighbors. “Bikes!” He roared, “BIKES! Listen here neighbor, don't you dare think that I would even own bikes, I run a pawn shop my friend and through a pawn shop often comes many magical and wonderful things, things that far surpass your garden-variety everyday bicycle.” He waved us in and led us down to his basement. In the back corner was something covered by a dusty white blanket. With a flick of his wrist the blanket went sailing away. Beneath the blanket sat two contraptions made of steel tubing. They looked almost like normal bikes, only on the back of each was a very large peace lily. “When you pedal it powers the plant, and when you power the plant it's leaves become like wings, carrying you off to far away places.” The Count and I agreed, these would do just fine. We soared through the air to the campground and as we landed there I found myself in yet another strange encounter. The Count and I had purchased our ice cream and headed back outside to relax when my dear friend paused. “What is the matter I asked?” Before us stood the one and only G. George Fatts the third. Immediately I asked for my library book back, the one he had swiped from Naples pizza. “It's in my car but you won't get it.” He grinned. “I love late fees, especially when they are not mine.” I began to speak but the Count silenced me. “You sir, are you related to Bob the Jailor perchance?” G. George continued to grin. “Certainly, you know him or something?” “He one of my many adversaries...” Fatts frowned. “Are you the Count de Sang that has given him much trouble? The one he has successfully evaded for four years now?” The Count nodded as G. George continued. “You are the one!” He laughed loudly at the thought. The Count took none of it, quickly casting his hand out, above it his ice cream cone floated, much like a dart. With the flick of his wrist it went sailing into the face of George. “Tell him I shall find him...” George went down as the cone hit him in the right eye. “And return my friend's book.” The large man agreed as he pressed the button on his key chain. The lights flashed as the door unlocked, I retrieved the book and held it close, no late fee for Faux LeRoy!

Please Hold...

2006-07-11T16:46:00.000-04:00

So I was working the other day and all seemed to be going well, just an average shift. However, high noon came and went and the department manager went on break. She didn't return. As my day was winding down there I decided to peek into the break room, sure enough, she had called the major cable company Castcom about her service. They had put her on...HOLD! I waved farewell but the next day there she sat, she had been on the phone all night! Immediately I knew something was up so I took some time off to investigate. After quite a bit of footwork I managed to reach the main office building. Of course they would not let me in further than the front desk, fortunately I had my trusty grappling hook in the trunk of my car. I scaled the wall and stealthily and slid in through the first open window. It was there that I found myself face to face with something terrible! Before my very eyes were millions of phones, all with flashing lights, they were all holding people in the foul state of phone limbo that had overtaken my manager. I looked around, no one was here. So I acted impulsively and picked up a phone. “Hello?” I asked. “Hi.” The voice responded in a crackly voice, “I have not spoke for years, it is about time someone took me off of hold.” I held my breath. “How long have you been on hold sir?” “Since 1981.” If a jaw dropping could make a sound he would have heard it. “Well we appreciate your waiting sir but we can not answer your call at this time, please hang up and live your life.” “My life?” H stuttered, “Oh yes I remember now, my...life...” I smiled as I pushed he next button, call after call, person after person, all of them on hold. Slowly the lights on the phones stopped flashing as I told them all to live on. It was at that moment that a cold breeze gripped me and the doors to the phone room flew open. The CEO had come down, finding there were too many calls being answered he had to investigate. “What is this!” He shouted. “These people have been on call for ages sir.” I replied. He shook his head. “I know that! I have been draining their souls so that I may sustain my own life, mercy isn't that obvious?” I was taken aback, clearly I had never encountered someone who had specialized at stealing souls, unless you count that teacher from grade school... At once I could feel strength as he began to charge at me furiously. I knew I was no match and fled out the window. I reached my car out of breath as he jumped out behind me. The sidewalks cracked with the very force of his landing. I escaped in my car and returned to work the next day. I wish this tale had a happy ending but alas there is none. Mark my words though, this battle with the vile corporation Castcom has not ended!

West of Jersey

2006-07-04T19:44:00.000-04:00

So I haven't managed to get that book back from Fatts III yet but I figured why let that get me down? It is the 4^th of July, after all. So instead of feeling down on my luck I decided to view some quality fireworks in a near-by town. I was happy to sit and relax. Blanket on the ground, tea in hand I was ready for the show and it started. I was quite pleased, that is until THEY showed up. And just like that, the sky was blocked by a huge tour bus parked right smack in the center. And before I could even say “Harper Lee, the author of To Kill a Mockingbird was really a woman but wrote under a title that everyone thought to be a man because of the social mindset towards women in her day and age” The park was filled with tourists, not just normal tourists, for you see, the bus was THE TOURBUS OF THE RIVER STYX. Frigging A, why did they have to park in the sky? I could hear the booms and the applause of people sitting closer than I. What if a guy went up with a rocket? I mean I would want to see something like that, so I figured I had better get that bus out of the way. I had to shuffle past a few people being ripped in half and then reassembled and a few people whose heads continually fell off but eventually I made it to the door of the bus. I pounded on it for a few moments before they slid open and a frazzled looking demon turned to me. “It's my first day on the job chap, sorry about this, I've found myself in a spot of misdirection rather.” I shook my head, “Why are you pretending to have a British accent?” He shrugged his shoulders and admitted to me. “This is a tour of homes OF THE DAMNED and I guess I wanted to make it sound fancy.” I looked at him for a bit, “Well everyone can tell you are faking. Besides, this isn't Hades, why on earth are you guys here?” The driver appeared rather bummed out by this point. “Well. I took a wrong turn, I don't suppose you would know how to make it back to hell?” I, never having been to hell had no idea but I figured I'd take a good guess. I gave him the best directions I could and he smiled. With a loud shout that only a being of the underworld could muster, all of the undead tourists were back on board. “Remember, I said, 78 will take you all the way to New Jersey, you think you can make it?” He nodded, “Certainly chap, thanks for the directions rather.” He winked at me and closed the doors. With a loud crack the bus was off again and my view of the night sky was unhindered, just in time for the finale...

Mama Mia!

2006-07-02T15:28:00.000-04:00

WELL. The other day I was finishing work at Tee pees and Escapades when hunger struck. I figured I might as well swing by Naples pizza, fortunately it was right next door, all I had to do was cross the street. The small bell over the door rang as I entered but immediately I had a strange feeling, as if I had walked into a bad scene. It was as if everything was in slow motion. The freaked out Italian guy behind the counter, the hunched figure standing on the other side. And before I could say Nosferatu was a thinly veiled uncopyrighted version of the story of Dracula the figure turned around and stared at us. The waxed mustache, the scowling gray brows and the portly tummy all moved as the smiling fiend announced to us all what he had just announced to Don Enrico at the front counter. “I am here to consume all of the pizza here, WITHOUT PAYING!” He cackled and jumped up and down deviously. It felt as if I had just digested a chunk of lead. It sank to my stomach and it felt as if the floor was ready to drop out from below me, how could this happen? The confused spectators looked on, not moving an inch. Don Enrico quivered with fear of this man. “My name is G. George Fatts the third!” He announced. “Surrender your pizza's now or I will emit foul smelling fumes from my posterior.” I must say I blinked at that comment, a lot, that was just really gross, and also really juvenile. The fart joke really is a lame trump card but a trump is a trump, I felt so defeated. I turned for the door, an idea in my head. “You, boy with the curl, stop.” He said to me. “All will witness my awful binge.” I shrugged my shoulders. “Listen G. George, I need to head to the library, I will return shortly, then you can start your binging.” He looked concerned as he replied. “And let the pizza grow cold?” “Pizza oven dude.” I answered as I headed to the library as quickly as I could. I scanned the card catalog looking for the right book, the were probably small putti guiding me in that moment of crisis. I'm no professional dietitian but perhaps my plan could work anyway. I returned to Naples, book in hand. I walked right up to G. George and handed him a copy of Taking Care of my Body: A book on Healthy Eating. He cracked open the pages suspiciously and was immediately engaged by it's wisdom. “What was I thinking!” He sobbed, “Not only is eating all of the pizza not possible but it would be harmful to my body, violating the principals of good physical health!” He snapped the book shut and ran off weeping, I guess that made me the hero, but not in the eyes of the librarian for you see, G. George ran off with my book while he was crying and as a result I have an impending LATE FEE unless I get the book back!

An unexpected turn of events...

2006-06-27T20:03:00.000-04:00

So as I drove home from work the strangest thing happened to me. A woman was panicking by the side of the road. I decided to stop and see what the matter was, evidently some children had gone missing and she said it was the work of the dastardly Senora ribcage, who lived in the creepy house down the road. She begged me to do something before the sinister Senora devoured her kids. I figured, might as well. (I was only going to paint the afternoon away anyway, an hour out of my afternoon wouldn't hurt) So I approached the house and it was decrepit, shutters hanging off their hinges and all that. I figured I'd knock on the ancient blue door. Paint flakes fluttered to the ground as I did. There were sounds coming from the other side, eventually I heard a voice call to me.

“Just enter, doors open.”
As I did I was confronted with a floating ribcage and skull.
“Hello?” I asked cautiously. “I take it you are Senora ribcage, I'm here to talk to you about the children.” She nodded her head.
“Certainly that is me, sorry about the door I have no arms, in fact that's why I've been hiring children, so they can be my arms, most adults are just to freaked out by me.” I could see why, we talked for a while and eventually
I told her. “Listen the kids need to go home, OSHA would have a fit anyway.” She agreed but sighed,
“What can i do for a set of arms?” I pondered this and then recalled that in my backseat was a fresh copy of the classified ads OF THE DEAD. We flipped through them for a bit and eventually found a charming manservant OF THE DEAD for hire. We called the number and before we knew it he appeared on the front porch. He was pretty much the perfect manservant for the job, being a set of floating dismembered arms and a decapitated head he smiled.
“I'm Carter, your manservant OF THE DEAD, happy to be of service Mum.” Senora Ribcage was very pleased and decided to let the children return home, fortunately it was before dinner. I bid them farewell and got in my car, I think things will work out well for those two, unless they decide to take up SOCCER...

illustrator for hire

2006-06-24T21:27:00.000-04:00

Who knows what the future holds for me? Right now things are going, not really certai n where they are going yet but beginning to think it's time for something to happen. There are so many options out there at the moment but right now job 1 is illustration. It is a definite passion, all I need is opportunities. Already things may be falling into place, has my future already arrived?